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Costner Casts Swing Vote, Country Goes To Hell

by Odie Henderson July 30, 2008 4:55 pm
Costner Casts Swing Vote, Country Goes To Hell With news of comedies suffering at the box office, Disney must be sweating over releasing Kevin Costner's Swing Vote on Friday. The film stars Il Costino as a good ol' boy whose single vote will determine the Presidential election. That alone should file this under "Suspension of Disbelief the Size of Jupiter Needed," but when the trailer reveals that Costner has to choose between Dennis Hopper and Kelsey Grammer, we're talking universe-sized pretending here. Whom would you vote for? I can't decide, and the only pull for me to see the film is to discover who actually wins.

Can you imagine President Dennis Hopper? He'd be inhaling gas while talking to foreign leaders, and I don't even want to consider what he might do to his interns. The White House would be wrecked, and I guarantee you his speeches wouldn't be boring. They'd play "Born to be Wild" instead of "Hail to the Chief" whenever he showed up at a summit or press conference.

Reporter: Mr. President, what will happen if Iran doesn't disarm?
Hopper: (sniffing a Nike sneaker) BAD THINGS, MAN!!
Reporter: Mr. President, given your history, do you think drugs should remain illegal?
Hopper: You know, for that question, I'm gonna have the IRS audit your ass until your eyes bleed!

President Frasier Crane would turn the country into Felix Unger land. They'd play some obscure Mahler piece every time he showed up, McDonald's would have to start serving McCaviar and McQuiche, and his entire staff would have to undergo psychoanalysis (a good thing, if you ask me). He'd also go after and attempt to kill anyone named Bart.

Disney needed better casting ideas. Hopper's fine, but instead of Grammer they should have had Jack Nicholson as the other candidate. ("Here's Johnnnny!" screams Jack as he shows up at Osama Bin Laden's cave.) Swing Vote needed Jack vs. Dennis, both intimidating poor Kevin until he votes for Ralph Nader. The film ends with a tie and both Jack and Dennis decide to run the country together. Cut to footage of the Armageddon that doesn't feature Bruce Willis.

Oddly enough, Swing Vote's reviews haven't been as bad as expected. Variety liked it, but gave no hint of who wins. I guess I'm going to have to buy it on bootleg on Friday -- I mean, go to the movies to see it.

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