4:00 PM – 5:00 PM

Episode Report Card
Gustave: B | Grade It Now!
Amnesia and other personality disorders

"My ex-girlfriend forced Sidney Poitier to make out with her at the Oscars, and my father whored himself out by doing the backstage commentary with Glenn Close -- duties that Peter Coyote performed alone last year. And I wasn't nominated for anything this year because my whole life is this Fox show that might not even be picked up for next year and is doing an amnesia subplot this week. My name is Kiefer. Today is the longest day of my life."

Previouslys. TerrorBabyBrother keeps getting information about Palmer's whereabouts from Faux-licity until she realizes that he's the hit man sent to take down Palmer. She agrees to wear a "whatever wire" and meet him for a faux-rendezvous back at his hotel room. Xander's back as the "new quarterback." The Safe House is compromised and the Kieferettes are on the run once more, but they've split up because Bride thought she killed Spawn and got amnesia. Spawn is, unfortunately, very much alive.

What's up with the teens of today? Why do they, like Spawn of Kiefer, wander the valleys of Southern California searching frantically for their mothers? Back in my day, we were psyched to be away from parental supervision. She doesn't even have to go back to school because she was kidnapped. Yet there she is, combing some highway in search of her mother, who as we all know was driven away by Jennifer Love Hewitt's Punk-Rock Super. I mean, call a cab and have them take you to CTU. Don't make this such a Byzantine thing, okay, Kirsten Dunst wanna-be? And speaking of Jennifer Love Hewitt's Punk-Rock Super, there she is, driving Bride of Kiefer to the hospital. Bride is looking at herself in the mirror as if for the first time. Because, you see, she's got amnesia. That's right, folks. Amnesia. They'd better be going somewhere good here. Just saying. A stripped-down electronica theme that combines the funk of Prince with the minimalism of Tangerine Dream, and maybe even a little of that Duran Duran track "The Chauffeur," plays while Bride lightly removes a single tissue from the car tissue dispenser, which is literally brimming with fresh tissues. Like, what is Jennifer Love Hewitt's Punk-Rock Super doing driving around and keeping tissues in her car? She touches the tissue to her face and brushes off that artful smudge of dirt that accumulated there just moments ago when she sort-of killed her daughter, fell to the ground, and stumbled around all Anne-Heche-style until JLH's PRS picked her up. Now of course if I had dirt all over my face, I'd wipe myself down pretty hard with that tissue. But I'm sure the make-up department asked Ms. Hope not to disturb the maquillage and to dab lightly so that they didn't have to keep reapplying between takes. "I've never met anyone who had amnesia before," says JLH's PRS, who looks really uncomfortable behind those huge bangs. What's up with the hairdresser of the show and his obsession with bangs? Not to mention, how meta is it that they have to draw attention to the rarity that amnesia is outside the world of Latin-American daytime dramas? Bride thanks JLH's PRS for helping her out and finds out that her name is "Tanya," the same name that Patty Hearst robbed banks under. "Tanya" suggests that Bride "comes from money," as suggested by her rings. Bride looks down at her wedding ring and realizes that she has no memory of having a husband.

Back at the Palmer Hotel, Kiefer, Nina, Faux-licity, and eight or so armed federal agents enter and get to work bugging TakeOnKief's hotel room. Uh, isn't that a bit nervy to be hanging out in a hit man's hotel room? Head Secret Service Guy greets Kiefer and apologizes to him for disarming him during the first Palmer Assassination Attempt of the day. "I had no idea what kind of pressure you were under at the time," says HSSG. Kiefer introduces HSSG to the whole CTU surveillance team and Faux-licity. Faux-licity uses this opportunity to apologize for all the trouble her sex life caused the Senator. HSSG forgives Faux-licity for allowing her vagina to compromise the security of a presidential candidate, since that very vagina is now helping to fight crime. Oh, and plus she's awfully courageous to risk her life and stuff. HSSG escorts them into TakeOnKief's hotel room. Kiefer authoritatively orders his men to "cover every square inch" of the room. He also turns to Nina and orders her to "prep" Faux-licity. Like, what's she gonna do? Help her do practice kisses into a pillow? Teach her how to put the condom on with her teeth? Get her drunk? He orders HSSG to alert him "the minute that TakeOnKief enters this hotel."

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