6:00 AM – 7:00 AM

Episode Report Card
Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now!
Rock on, Bride of Kiefer!

First off, a major shout-out to Mariposa for catching this episode and taping it for me. To qualify for the Golden Globes, Fox had to broadcast seven episodes by the end of the calendar year, so the January 8th episode was broadcast in near secrecy on the New York and Los Angeles local stations. I missed it, but Mariposa didn't and was kind enough to meet me in Manhattan and give me her tape.

Logo. Previouslys. Palmer has to face the music and go public with Theo's "secret." They killed PMMS. Bride of Kiefer learned that AllegedYork is DefinitelyNotYork. Ira Gaines hooks Kiefer up to his satellite network of terror. Now Kiefer is hereby known as VPoG, Virtual Puppet of Gaines. "The following takes place between 6:00 AM and 7:00 AM, on the day of the California Presidential primary."

TerrorKompound. The sun is continuing to rise in the valley. FauxMartin leans over a basin. The bleached platinum hair has been dyed brown -- the color of RealMartin's hair. He plays with his hair and checks out his reflection in the mirror, comparing it to RealMartin's ID picture. He removes a pair of latex gloves, which I assume had something to do with his fingerprints being altered, and puts in a pair of brown colored contacts. Then we get a little beefcake as he changes into a Eurotrash ensemble and makes the deception complete. He picks up a briefcase from Ira Gaines's desk. Gaines reminds him to leave early to beat the traffic. He's off to kill Palmer. This actor playing FauxMartin is such a dedicated pro to actually have plastic surgery to make himself look just the actor who plays RealMartin. Oh, wait. But seriously, Rudolph Martin is doing a great job looking like he's awkwardly impersonating himself.

After Faux Martin exits, Gaines goes back to doing what he does best: Kontrolling Kiefer through kutting-edge cellular/satellite technology. On a monitor, Gaines watches Kiefer drive the TerrorTaurus to CTU. While stopped at a light, a police car pulls up beside the TerrorTaurus, and Kiefer tries to get the officers' attention by staring at them really hard. "Eyes straight ahead, Kiefer!" says Gaines into his earpiece. "Let the cops go!" I'm not sure what I think about Ira Gaines as a villain. What's with all the phlegm in his throat? It doesn't sound particularly evil. It just sounds like someone's great uncle Harry getting way too involved in a game of checkers at some state-run nursing home. "Now king me, you putz!" Kiefer lets the kops pass. Gaines draws Kiefer's attention to a keycard under the sun visor of the TerrorTaurus. "What do you want me to do with this?" asks Kiefer. "I'll tell you when you get to the office," says Gaines. For the love of God, Gaines, clear your throat!

CTU. Milo The Temp is sitting at one of Jalapeno's thirty computer terminals, munching on dry granola. I think. Apparently, last week, when I identified it as Count Chocula, I was wrong. A close-up confirms that it's granola. Nina comes by to check on his progress. Milo says that he's close to finding the name of the assassin, but for now all he can decipher are some medical records involving plastic surgery. "If it's a shooter, he's probably trying to hide his identity!" says Milo The Temp. Hey, wait! I thought Milo was just supposed to run the keycard through some decryption software. Since when does he get to play cops-and-robbers with the big kids? Especially since they're supposed to be keeping the details of the keycard a huge secret. "Call me when you get a name!" says an unimpressed Nina, walking back to her desk, her arms swinging like a Bob Fosse chorus girl.

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