6:00 PM – 7:00 PM

Episode Report Card
Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now!
I musta killed Spawn!

Previouslys. Lady Mac tries to destroy the Kreepy Karl tape, but it's not the real tape. It's press conference time. There's "still no sign of the vee-men," says FATB. Jovan Musk for Men goes to Casa Kiefer to vait for zem. Spawn's stuck in the middle of a drug deal about to go ugly. Red Cap gets killed by Teddy Ruxpin after telling Kiefer about some power shutdown that's going to happen at 7:30 PM. Bride's got amnesia, so her ex-doctor-lover takes her back to Casa Kiefer. Bye, HandsomeBlackGuard#2!

Bride and Dr. Phil approach Casa Kiefer. Fortunately, Dr. Phil remembers where Bride keeps her spare key. Jovan can't get a clear shot of them through the bushes for some reason; meanwhile, Bride has set off the alarm system and can't remember the password. The security company calls her, asking for the password, and Bride screeches at them to turn the alarm off. She doesn't remember the password. Geddit? 'Cause she has amnesia.

It's only been moments since Red Cap got shot, but already he has been pronounced dead and his body bag is being zipped up. Nina approaches Kiefer and tells him that she just found out Red Cap's name and that he worked for Pacific Electric in Saugus. Kiefer thanks her and sends her back to CTU to check on where exactly Red Cap was supposed to kill the power.

The rent-a-cops arrive at Casa Kiefer, giving Bride the heebie-jeebies. It's awkward trying to explain to the men why Bride can't remember the password, but they see the family photos of Bride everywhere and conclude that she has to live there. They put away their guns and turn off the alarm without needing to see I.D. Bride stares at the unfamiliar photos of her posing affectionately with Kiefer and Spawn. Jovan Musk for Men watches the rent-a-cops leave.

Back at the Red Cap Shopping Center, Kiefer is continuing to do whatever it is you do after someone gets killed in some botched CIA mission. Xander enters and makes a crack about the inevitable body count that follows a FailedPlanOfKiefer. Gee, where did Xander come from? Wasn't he just telling Teddy Ruxpin to chill out over the phone from the KieferKube? How'd he get downtown so fast? And speaking of Teddy, Xander wants to speak to him. He asks Kiefer where Teddy is. Kiefer points off-camera to where Teddy "is," when in reality Teddy is probably collecting unemployment checks now that his tenure on 24 is thankfully over. Kiefer's cell phone rings. It's Palmer. He "twisted some arms" over at the Pentagon and got his hands on the missing Drazen file. And like every other friggin' missing file that gets "found" on this show, it's "just an address." The address happens to be in Saugus, the very place where Kiefer was just told that the power is being turned off for five minutes. Kiefer kisses Palmer's ass for a while, then thanks him for his help. They get off the phone, and immediately Kiefer calls Soul Patch to ask him how he liked the Georgette Klinger gift certificate he got him for Secretary's Day…oh wait, actually he has Soul Patch check the variables of the address Palmer gave him. Soul Patch taps into the "whatever technology" on his computer to find out all about this "sector" of California, and promises to get back to Kiefer when he hears anything. Kiefer heads toward the street in search of some new Kiefmobile; Xander comes up behind him and asks him where he's going. Kiefer tells Xander that he's in search of the location where Red Cap was supposed to turn the power off. Xander decides to be Kiefer's "chaperone." They get into the Berkeleymobile at Xander's insistence. It's been a while since they had quality time together.

And speaking of quality time, the drug-dealing, cell-phone-wielding, skank-errific, wacky pot-headed frat boys are it again at The Frat House of Bad Life Decisions. Hey, whither Todd? What about Todd? You know, that friend of Spawn's who got a scholarship to Stanford despite being a foster kid? Where is he right now? Could he really not be able to find Spawn's mom? It's just so important that Dan, a.k.a. Evil Frat Boy #2, be there at the house with "the money." That's what Dan'sWeaselFacedBrother keeps saying with the desperation of a junkie to Rick, i.e. the Anti-Todd. It just is. It's not really clear why "the money" is needed so badly, but it's a drug deal, okay? Crazy things happen in drug deals that make no sense -- like why Spawn is still there. This shaky Greg Brady Curtain-Kam shot shows them chasing each other through the various rooms of the FHoBLD while SpawnOfKiefer and Gloria Skankerbilt watch helplessly. Finally DWFB gets really frustrated at not being able to reach someone on his cell phone, so he throws it across the room and storms into one of the bedrooms and slams the door. Spawn does something uncharacteristically intelligent and gets up from the couch and starts walking out the door. Skankelina Jolie blocks her from leaving, because she doesn't want her "going to the police." Ugh -- trust me, you don't want this girl around for your insane drug deal; you really don't. But no one asked me, so Skankerie Bertinelli ends up preventing Spawn from leaving The Frat House of Bad Life Decisions, despite Spawn's protests that she doesn't care about the drug deal. "I only came here because I wanted you to help me find my mom," says Spawn. "But now I realize that was a dumb idea." Whoa. When did Spawn's medication start kicking in? "You came here for Rick," accuses Voicestream Spokes-skank Skankie Lee Curtis. "I did not," bleats Spawn. Yeah, Spawn. You came for Rick's penis. Spawn tries to convince Rick to leave with her before they get killed. "You heard what Dan'sWeaselFacedBrother said," says Swedish New-Age Grammy-Winning Recording Artist Skank-ya. "No one leaves his house until EvilFrat#2 gets back." So Spawn spills the beans about EFB#2 not coming back ever because he's dead. But just as she says this, DWFB enters in time to hear the tail end of Spawn's admission. He pulls a gun on Spawn, who retreats to the couch and puts her hands in this strangely protective stance in which they're at her shoulders like she's frozen in an aerobics move. Rick tries to explain about Gaines and the past eighteen hours, so DWFB turns the gun on him and chases him around. Spawn gets into another frozen aerobics pose like she's doing some sort of sit-up as DWFB smashes a lamp and reacts to his brother's death. After some acting, DWFB asks Rick who has the money now. Rick tells him that they never got paid. Well, it turns out that DWFB has invited some dealers over, and they're going to want "their money" for some ecstasy. "So call it off," suggests Rick. "It's too late," says DWFB. "These are not the kind of guys you invite over to do a deal and then come up short." Oh, please -- like you couldn't reach them in transit. I mean, aren't these people supposed to have beepers or cell phones? Spawn exhales sharply. The time is 6:10:28 PM.

Drive a Nissan, because if you are very bloody on some mountaintop, you'll attend to your dirt bike's wounds first…or something. Spiderman will be in theaters May 3rd. Or so a Cingular ad tells me. I have such mixed feelings about Spiderman. It's about time that Kirsten Dunst became a superstar, but I don't want her to get any more famous. She'll get all it-girly and hard to relate to. Come back to the five-and-dime, Kirsten Dunst, Kirsten Dunst. Is it really that hard for Neutrogena to find a spokesmodel who's able to say "cleanser" properly? First Jennifer Love Hewitt called it "klinser," and now I don't even know what Mandy Moore is calling it. Oh! Everyone be quiet because it's Britney's sixties Pepsi ad, which is a thing of beauty. What I love about watching Britney in action is seeing her straddle the fine line where jailbait meets innocence. Where irony meets idolatry. The truth leaks out like light through pin pricks…or are those just sequins? I love watching Britney move around in that French Navy striped tank bathing suit, which seems a lot racier than it really is because bits of it are flesh-colored. I love the beatnik playing the bongos and wiping out on a surfboard later. And when Britney's being hoisted up on that surfboard by the boys, you just know that she's not shy about being carried around on a surfboard, waving her cotton-candy peroxide Marcia Brady 'do around in the Pacific Ocean breeze while her friends that aren't as pretty plot a slow and painful death for her. If you use these Old Spice Towelettes or whatever they're called, you'll get a lot of action. Andie MacDowell, how did you manage to say the phrase "non-drip cream" in this L'Oreal commercial without laughing your ass off take after take?

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