9:00 PM – 10:00 PM

Episode Report Card
Gustave: B | Grade It Now!
Serfin' USA

Previouslys. Poor Man's Hume Cronyn encourages Palmer to have an affair…or something. Patty encourages Palmer to have an affair…or something. Kiefer finds Victor Drazen alive and well in the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave. Dennis Hopper phones it in betwixt Gap commercials and meetings with his art broker. He keeps Kiefer alive in order to trade him for LittleTerrorBrother. Spawn is released by the police…and recaptured by the TerrorSquad.

It's 9 PM or thereabouts. Spawn does the Fuddrucker's struggle against her ski-masked captors, who say stuff to each other in Serbian or some other Eastern European language. It sounds scary and all, but once again, they could simply be discussing Liza's wedding. "He gay. She hev broken hip. Why he marry her? And why he make her throw out valuable Halston furniture?" They stuff her into the back of an SUV, put duct tape over her mouth, and hog-tie her. You know, when this is all over, I'd imagine that Spawn will be calling -- and getting --"shotgun" on any future spring break road trips. They tie her up some more. She squeals some more. Then we get one of those Ally McBeal-esque aerial shots of the city.

We are now in an auditorium, where Palmer will give his non-victory speech. He's introduced by an unseen politico and takes the stage with Lady Mac, who is wearing a hot pink suit. Shades of Jackie? The krowd goes krazy. PerkyPatty can be seen in the audience suppressing a guilty smile. Apparently she had time to get her hair cut in the last three minutes. Palmer says some standard stuff about the future of the country and how far he's come despite those who doubted him. Lady Mac beams at his side. Lots of cheering and red, white, and blue streamers.

The TerrorVan kontaining Kiefer and his kaptors moves along some highway somewhere. As per ForeignAccentedTerrorBoss and TerrorHopper's instructions, Kiefer kalls CTU on a cell phone. Nina answers, but for some reason Soul Patch's Chicago Cubs coffee mug can be clearly seen in the foreground of the shot. Kiefer tells her that he's being held hostage, and he needs to know that LittleTerrorBrother is still alive. Nina tells Secretary Soul Patch to get LittleTerrorBrother on the phone immediately. Xander, who incidentally is Sarah Clarke's fiancé, descends from the Kiefer Kube and barks orders at everyone to get a search going for the escaped TerrorHopper. Nina assures Xander that she's on it. In fact, Kiefer's on the phone with her right now. Soul Patch has LittleTerrorBrother on the phone. They patch him through to Kiefer. Kiefer hands the phone to FATB and TerrorHopper. "Vat hev zey done to you?" says TerrorHopper. LittleTerrorBrother -- who can barely hold the phone without the help of a nurse's aide -- admits that he got in trouble because of a "vooman." "Forgive me, Father. I hev failed you." TerrorHopper tells LittleTerrorBrother to hold on. "Vee vill be togezer soon!" LittleTerrorBrother doesn't think he can live that long. TerrorHopper tells the eavesdropping CTU folk that he is willing to trade the life of Kiefer for that of his son. Xander tells TerrorHopper that he doesn't have the authority to make such a trade. TerrorHopper tells Xander to speak to his superiors. "I vill call beck in fifteen minutes!" FATB puts a black hood over Kiefer's head.

Back at the Palmer Powwow, Palmer continues to speak victoriously about having the party nomination in hand. Lady Mac excuses herself from the podium and sidles up to PerkyPatty. Uh, can you just saunter offstage like that when your husband is making a televised speech? I guess Lady Mac can do whatever she wants. 'Cause she's Lady Mac. While Palmer continues speaking, Lady Mac informs PerkyPatty that she won't be going to Dallas with Palmer the next day. Dallas? Pink suit? Got it. Loud and klear. "David and I could use a couple of days apart," says Lady Mac. "But I don't want him to feel alone." Oh no you di-i-i-in't!

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