24
Day 2: 10:00 AM – 11:00 AM

Episode Report Card
Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The one where everybody died

Electric blue Kiefer. 24. Previouslys. There's a nuclear bomb scheduled to go off some time this season…I mean, "day." Mason goes AWOL to escape the blast radius. KreepyEric and Palmer klash. Does PoorMan'sCateBlanchett's new brother-in-law to be have terrorist connections? Kiefer goes underkover among the junkyard gang, a right-wing terrorist group who have plans to blow up CTU. Spawn escapes No!DaddyNo! Manor with JonBenet, bashes DaddyStopTouchingMe with a tire iron, and loses JonBenet in a pile of empty cardboard boxes.

What is it about a nubile young girl in distress running through the streets without a bra? I'm not even straight and I find myself wanting to cruise by in a Trans Am and tell the pretty lady that I, Gustave, am going to take care of everything. Spawn is frantically searching for JonBenet. She shouts her name, asks for help from bystanders, and otherwise looks everywhere, but there is no response. Meanwhile, DaddyStopTouchingMe is being attended to by a team of paramedics. They are dressing his Spawn-inflicted head wounds and checking his reflexes when the police arrive. A belligerent and barely cooperative DaddyStopTouchingMe tells them that Spawn abducted his child. The police ask for a description of Spawn, but the scene ends before DaddyStopTouchingMe has to admit that he's never looked at her that closely above the neckline.

Meanwhile, Mason's on the road, fleeing L.A. in the Xandermobile. His car phone rings. It's Soul Patch from CTU, telling him about a lead that needs to be checked out. Apparently, the LAPD found a vehicle on the CTU watch list. Mason whines about having to follow up on a report from the LAPD. Soul Patch informs Mason that some district manager specifically wants Mason to investigate. "Plus he knows it's your way to, uh, Bakersfield," says Soul Patch, rolling his eyes. "What's the address?" says Mason with a sigh. Busted!

NSA. Lynne, who has been renamed Rolaide by Cosmorific (Ensign Ro + "L" for Lynne + aide = Rolaide), hands Palmer a Whatever Update on the damage projection. Palmer, who is about to attend a press conference, leafs through it and notes that the casualty rate is much higher than previously assumed. Rolaide explains that they've ruled out dirty bombs and other conventional weapons. "We're dealing with a nuclear bomb," she says. They exchange sensitive, knowing looks.

Back at the Po Ho dumpster, Spawn continues to run around calling JonBenet's name while bouncing parts of her own body come perilously close to giving her a black eye or two. Finally she catches sight of JonBenet being led by two ethnic guys behind a chain link fence. "Get away from her!" screams Spawn as she crosses the street. Cars swerve to avoid hitting her. The two ethnic men, who I guess were child porn casting directors, flee as soon as they see Spawn and her flying lethal boobs heading their way. "Where did you go? I told you to wait!"" screams Spawn. "I was looking for you," says JonBenet through her Cindy Brady tears. Spawn takes JonBenet into her arms, muffling the sounds of JonBenet's sobbing with her rack.

Shot of downtown L.A. The camera pans off to a road where the Tim McVan, containing Underkover Kiefer and the Junkyard Boys, nears its destination. Kiefer is not so subtly trying to find out the details of their plans to blow up CTU. "Why are you asking so many kwestions?" asks Eddie Grant, the smoldering stevedore. Kiefer tries to pass it off as kuriosity. SpindlyBeckLookAlike tells him to mind his own business. Kiefer's cell phone rings. It's Spawn, calling from a payphone. Uh, somehow I doubt that Kiefer would bring his personal cell phone along on an underkover mission, but I'll let it go for now. Spawn kluelessly prattles on about the Lifetime movie that her life has become within the last hour. Kiefer, konscious of the junkyard boys hearing his side of the konversation, kalmly tells her to check the message he left for her on her cell phone. Spawn explains that she left her cell phone back at No!DaddyNo! Manor, and tries to get Kiefer to come pick her up. Kiefer tells her to go to Aunt Carol's. Spawn is konfused. Apparently, Aunt Carol lives in San Jose (and Spawn's been away so long, she may go wrong and lose her way). Kiefer tells her to just go. "And do as I say for once," he barks into the phone. Heh! He tells the Junkyard Boys that Spawn was his girlfriend, and she "just doesn't listen." The Tim McVan comes to a stop in front of a chain link fence in the middle of a deserted road. Everyone piles out, and one of the Junkyard Boys whips out some bolt cutters. Hey, I remember those bolt cutters from last season!

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