Day 2: 11:00 AM – 12:00 PM

Episode Report Card
Gustave: B+ | Grade It Now!
The One Where Everybody Died, Part Two

Electric blue Kiefer. Electric blue Elisha. Electric blue Dennis. It looks like some 24 supporting cast members are demanding to be featured in the credits. Although I think it would be really great if they dispensed with the super-serious minimalist opening and tacked on an old-school credits sequence with all these action shots strung together while the theme plays: an orchestral pop instrumental layered with modern "wa-wa" guitar sequences. There'd be this cheesy announcer going, "Starring, Kiefer Sutherland…as Jack!" and you'd see Kiefer whirling around in an office chair to face the camera and give it the Kiefer-sex-glance and a thumbs-up as a twenty-something assistant in a short skirt hands him a latte. "And Elisha Cuthbert as Kim…" and you'd see Elisha bending to pick her cell phone up off the floor. She answers it and smiles. "And Special Guest Star Penny Johnson Jerald as Sherry Palmer…" Lady Mac puts her hand on her hip and gives the camera a sassy wink. "And Sara Gilbert as Paula…" and Paula spills coffee on herself all Brenda Morganstern-style, sighs, and gives the camera a good-natured smile. Then there'd be this cheesy theme song sung by Tom Jones or Shirley Bassey, and the lyrics would have nothing to do with the plotline. "You've got twenty-hours to prove your-self / Twenty-four hours to show them who you aaaaaaahhhhhhh!" while all these shots are shown of Jack running, Spawn running while braless, guns being drawn, cars going off the road, Palmer doing something presidential, and the whole CTU gang having some after-work drinks and toasting Soul Patch. And there'd be all these psychedelic graphics everywhere and a big mushroom cloud finale shot. "…Twenty-four hours to show them you're a staaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" Oh God, they've got to do this.

Previouslys. Ralph tells PoorMan'sCateBlanchett that FarsiBoy has terrorist connections. She's not supposed to tell anyone. Mason inhales some plutonium, and he's going to die at the end of the season…I mean, "day." Raygun didn't want to warn Palmer about a CTU bombing. Spawn takes the bus to CTU with JonBenet, and the police are looking for her. The Junkyard Gang pulls off the CTU bombing.

CTU has just been bombed. A total of, oh, three vehicles with sirens -- a fire truck, an ambulance, and a police car -- head for CTU. Not a lot of budget left over from last week, I'm thinking. The Junkyard Gang sits in their new purloined Tim McVan, listening in on police and fire radio dispatches and watching the city react to their successful mission. Meanwhile, inside CTU, various extras with torn clothing and sooty faces stumble around the smoky rubble. Steel beams are down, modern office furniture is torn and twisted, hairdos are ruined. It's 9/11, the made-for-TV movie staring Victoria Principal, A Martinez, and Gerald Rainey from Major Dad. Bitchelle is a dirty, tearful mess. She kneels in front of a body crushed by a desk and starts to sob. Soul Patch calls her over. He wants her to set up a triage. Uh, doesn't Bitchelle get to take a little break from public service since her building was blown up and all? Shouldn't the triage be set up by the arriving emergency workers who are properly trained for this sort of thing? If I were Bitchelle, I'd be all, "There's a Red Cross blanket with my name on it in the parking lot. See ya." I'd like to think of myself as a team player and a professional when it comes to the work place, but when the building where I'm employed is blowing up, I'm taking the day off. Me time. Curling up on the couch and catching up on the soaps in my apartment building that's not about to implode in a puff of smoke. No triage. I don't even know what a triage is or how to set one up. Better that I just take a bath and catch up on my TiVo-ed shows. Maybe call some friends and relatives and let them know I'm alive, or even do one of those eyewitness phone interviews with MSNBC. The New York Times crossword puzzle. A glass of wine. A couple of Xanax. Soul Patch, get off my back.

Oh, but wait, Soul Patch has just found Darlene, who happens to be trapped under a whole mass of debris, and she's really bloody. Ew, what is this? The Operation Channel? Soul Patch establishes that she's alive and promises to get her out. An unnamed CTU agent, who is getting his SAG-mandated payment for two lines of dialogue, tells Soul Patch that they have to get the rubble off Darlene, "brick by brick," because otherwise more stuff will fall on her. They get to work.

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