Day 2: 2:00 AM – 3:00 AM

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Gustave: C- | Grade It Now!
Kiefer un-klad

Due to some graphic violence, viewer discretion is advised. Oh, and Kiefer's naked. Beep beep beep beep beep. 24. Previouslys. Bitchelle puts Soul Patch in touch with Kiefer, who tells him that he's on the verge of getting evidence of the Cyprus recordings but CTU has to stay out of it. The evidence, according to a dying SeventhCoralSnake, is inside of him…literally. It's in a microchip planted inside his torso. Meanwhile, Rolaide, PoorMan'sHumeCronyn, and the DoD are pressuring Palmer to bomb Fauxraqistan, Akalakistan, and Tofurkey…now! The following takes place between 2:00 AM and 3:00 AM.

Division. A general is briefing Palmer, his staff, and the Joint Chiefs about the surprise attack. According to this general, bomb squadrons are on their way to three targets. He points to Fauxraqistan, Tofurkey, and Akalakistan on a map, and he's basically pointing to Libya, Algeria, and Tunisia. Palmer is uncomfortable and testy at this meeting. This leads Vice President Prescott, a.k.a. PoorMan'sJoeLieberman, to ask Palmer if he's really behind these air strikes. Okay, you know how, in those advice columns like Ann Landers and Ask Beth, some girl would write in -- about once a month, it seemed -- and say, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend says that if I really really loved him, I'd go 'all the way,' but I don't feel ready…"? Well, basically that's what we have with Palmer and the Joint Chiefs of Staff. If Palmer rilly rilly loves his country and wants to do something about the B-O-M-B, he'll let them bomb these Middle Eastern countries now and prove it. Palmer informs everyone present that Kiefer may have evidence that proves the Cyprus recordings are a fake, and that they need to wait for his okay before they retaliate. "Mr. President," says the general. "This battle plan requires us to surprise the enemy with overwhelming force. We will lose that advantage if we wait any longer." He goes on to claim that by losing that surprise advantage, the U.S. will suffer up to 20,000 casualties. Okay, you know how, in those aforementioned advice columns, another girl -- or who knows, maybe the same girl -- would write in and say, "My boyfriend says he has a condition called 'blue balls' and that if I don't go all the way with him, the sperm will build up in his penis and kill him. Is that true?" And then invariably the columnist's answer will be, "Tell your boyfriend to just jerk himself off already," or something more polite and clinical. Basically, that's what they're using to convince Palmer to go all the way: the blue balls defense. If you don't bomb now, 20,000 of us will die. "Then we have no choice but to proceed with the plan as stated," says Palmer, reluctantly letting the Joint Chiefs of Staff lead him into the backseat of their dad's Impala and remove his panties. Dear Diary: Remember how I wanted my first time bombing a country to be special…like in a meadow full of wildflowers? Well, that totally never happened. Also? I've got a pimple.

Doc In The Box. Kiefer is on the phone, trying to reach Palmer to tell him that he is in possession of proof needed to call off WWIII. The unseen secretary on other end of the line is not putting Palmer on the phone. Is she part of the conspiracy? Or is she just sick of these urgent velvety phone calls from Kiefer where he says things like "20 million people will die if you put me through to his voicemail!" I imagine she's just as passive-aggressive with annoying callers as I was back when I was a secretary my first year out of college. Meanwhile, PoorMan'sArmandAssante is examining the microchip under a magnifying glass. Kiefer gets Soul Patch on the phone and tells him that he is bringing a chip into CTU with the evidence that proves the Cyprus recordings were forged. "How do you know it's real?" asks Soul Patch. Kiefer explains that the chip was implanted into the Seventh Coral Snake's body and should therefore be taken very seriously. Soul Patch wants Kiefer's exact location so he can send them an aerial escort, but Kiefer changes the subject and asks Soul Patch to call Palmer and tell him what they've found. Soul Patch doesn't want to until they've verified the evidence. Kiefer begs him to at least tell Palmer what's going on. Soul Patch is momentarily immune -- rebellious even -- to the Sutherland velvet. He promises nothing. And their phone connection is getting static-y anyway, so they hang up.

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