Day 2: 6:00 AM – 7:00 AM

Episode Report Card
Gustave: C+ | Grade It Now!
Hello, Chesty. Goodbye, Chesty.

Blip blip blip blip blip blip blip blip. 24. Previouslys. Palmer's cabinet invokes the 25th Amendment on him. PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig ascends. Chappelle "reassigns" Soul Patch. Soul Patch chloroforms Chappelle. Spawn goes back to pick up her things at NoDaddyNo Manor, and encounters DaddyStopTouchingMe. Over the phone, Kiefer talks her through a double tap. Alex "Hightops" Hewitt shanks Lady Mac and escapes.

CTU. Bitchelle runs into Soul Patch in the hallway. He asks her how Chappelle is doing. According to Bitchelle, he's still unconscious. "The drug I gave him is short-acting," says Soul Patch. "I'm going to have to give him another shot soon." I guess Chappelle got the same Fast-Release Demerol that Marie got. Gee, do you think they're laying the groundwork for the fact that Chappelle is going to wake up in the middle of this episode? "How long can we keep pumping him full of that stuff?" asks Bitchelle. Okay, Bitchelle? Soul Patch just "pumped him" at 5:47 AM. It is now 6:01 AM. That's a whopping fourteen minutes. Talk to me when he's been unconscious for as long as Jennifer North was in Valley of the Dolls when she went to Switzerland for that sleep cure. Soul Patch assures her that they only need to keep Chappelle conscious for as long as it takes to get Kiefer and Alex "Hightops" Hewitt back to CTU -- half an hour. They discuss the possibility of Bi-Carrie-ous blowing the whistle. Hey, here's a suggestion: Fire the ambivalently sexual hall monitor, already. She doesn't seem to do anything at CTU except stalk Bitchelle and refuse to follow orders. Have personnel show her the door. And then? When the next sexual predator shows up to take her place, just have Soul Patch or Bitchelle take him or her into the broom closet or whatever and get him or her off. Take care of the sexual tension early on. Get it out of the way, and the next Nosy Parker will lose interest and focus on their work. But no. CTU is like a KFC in a bad neighborhood. No one gets fired. Well, except for Soul Patch. And even he was only "reassigned."

Anyway, Soul Patch claims that Bi-Carrie-ous shouldn't be a problem, since he's given her a Whatever Task to keep her busy. Their conversation is interrupted by a male extra, who informs Soul Patch that Brad Hammond is on the line. For those of you who don't remember Brad Hammond, he was the guy from Division who came to inspect the premises. So, wait -- has he been up all night too, or is he just at work the next day extra early? So get this. Brad Hammond is so anal-retentive, he is freaking out that he can't get a hold of Chappelle…who has been missing for fifteen minutes and counting. Doesn't anyone have any idea how easy it is for your average high-level executive to hide? I mean, fifteen minutes is how long it can take for your secretary to put you through to the voicemail system. Fifteen minutes is how long it takes for me to go the bathroom, wash my hands, and grab some coffee from the coffee room. Waah! I can't find Chappelle. Dude, he's taking a leak. He's having his assistant hold his calls while he plays with his Zen sand garden. He's praying a really intense game of Freecell. He's…away from his desk. Jeez, where was Brad Hammond when an entire division of the United States Army was out of reach for an entire episode? I mean, hasn't anyone seen Nine to Five lately? Dolly Parton, Lily Tomlin, and Jane Fonda were able to hide their boss for months. Anyway, Soul Patch plays dumb and promises Brad that he'll have Chappelle call him as soon as he returns. Brad is temporarily mollified by that promise. Soul Patch warns Bitchelle that Division "knows something's up." "So what are we going to do?" asks Bitchelle. Soul Patch stresses the importance of getting Hightops there as soon as possible.

Speaking of Hightops, back at A Beautiful Loft, Kiefer is chasing Hightops through what looks like a tunnel made out of translucent rice paper. I guess it's an art installation in his neighbor's apartment or something. One thing about these industrial loft buildings: There's always someone living in one of the units who has a trust fund and does installation art "for a living." Like, when was the last time you bought a piece of installation art? Where is some art collector going to put Rice Paper Tunnel #41, by Terence Trust Fund? His dining room? As Hightops runs further into the maze, he bashes the light bulbs with his flashlight along the way so that Kiefer won't be able to find him in the dark. Hey, why don't you bathe in the Mississippi River so the dogs won't smell you either, Harriet Tubman? Unfortunately for Hightops, Kiefer is carrying a flashlight. It's not a big flashlight, by the way, for those of you who need to know these things. He also tries to slow Hightops down with the Sutherland Velvet Siren Call. "If you don't come with me, you know EvilChrisElliott will kill you," purrs Kiefer through the rice paper maze. "I just did what they told me," says Himmler Hightops, pausing at a hiding place atop what appears to be the interior of a Styrofoam reproduction of the Temple of Dendur. He unwraps a gun and keeps running. "Your only way out is to let me take you…to CTU," calls Kiefer. Actually, that ellipsis was mine. He continues to beg Hightops to trust him and let him help him cut a deal in exchange for testimony. But not even the Sutherland Velvet can prevent Hightops from climbing up onto the roof through a series of cement tunnels. Kiefer chases him out into the morning light. He is nowhere to be seen amid the L.A. cityscape.

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