My name is Kiefer. How was your summer? Could you all please go out right now and buy a Ford? They totally own my "commercial-free" ass for the next hour. Thanks. Notice how natty I look right now with my freshly cut hair and charcoal gray suit? That blue glow to my skin is not a video effect, but an actual feature of my skin. You see, I possess so much genetic charisma that an icy blue light emanates naturally through my pores. I'm just reminding our viewers that although I may look like all kinds of ass once tonight's episode starts, in less than an hour I will neaten up and look just as sharp as I did last season. Um, not that any of you would remember last season since, uh, none of you were watching and we were nearly canceled, thank you very much. But I'm not holding a grudge or anything. Oh, by the way? Smallville sucks.

Fords, Fords, Fords. Ford pick-up trucks. Ford minivans. Ford sports cars. The Ford Mustang. The Ford Thunderbird. Twenty-four hours of Fords. Go out and buy a Ford. Seriously, you've got time. You can totally drive down to the dealership right now, since this commercial is going to last for years. In fact, we're not going to start this show until you go out a buy a Ford. We're waiting. The following takes place between 8:00 AM and 9:00 AM. Events occur in real time.

It's midnight in Seoul, South Korea. In a warehouse in a seedy, empty section of town, a handsome shirtless Korean man is being tortured by about three or four really good-looking Koreans in lab coats. I have no idea exactly how they're torturing him, but it involves electricity and custard-y liquid, and this guy's hands and feet are covered with plastic bags. A really spooky-but-hot Korean lady in a lab coat reminds the screaming detainee that the pain will stop if he talks. More levers are pulled. More screams. The detainee whispers something into the female torturer's ear. The torture is stopped. One of the torture dudes runs a fair distance down the hall to report the information to his superiors…who turn out to be American government officials. D'oh! Head G-Man is all, "When?" Torture Dude is all, "Today!"

The time is 08:02:20 AM in Lake Oswego, Oregon. The gorgeous mountain scenery evokes a Certs commercial. President Palmer and Theo have come to this natural paradise so that they can fish and President Palmer can make good on that promise he made last season that he spend more time alone with his dickhead son. Well, just him and a few Secret Service agents. An expository conversation reveals that the Palmers are divorced and Lady Mac is still hurting. One of the Secret Service guys gets a cell phone call. Scary music looms on the soundtrack. "There's been a situation, Mr. President!" says the Secret Service guy. Someone screams.

Actually, the "someone" screaming was a little blonde girl playing with her daddy. The little girl runs up the stairs of her home, runs into a bedroom, and hides under the covers. The bedroom turns out to be SpawnOfKiefer's. She's the kid's live-in nanny, and she's wearing a pink sleeveless top. Oh, by the way? Speaking of nannies? Read The Nanny Diaries, if you haven't already. It's awesome. "I'm hiding from Daddy!" says the little girl gleefully. That line is actually a foreshadowing of bad things to come, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I mean, how bad could this daddy be if he's taking time out of his busy day beating and psychologically torturing his wife to spend some quality time with his daughter? Jeez, I'm getting ahead of myself again. DaddyStopTouchingMe enters, and he's not too hard on the eyes. He looks like a young Dennis Quaid. He and JonBenet horse around joyfully on Spawn's bed until JonBenet gets away and runs out. DaddyStopTouchingMe remains, staring at Spawn as she brushes her teeth in the adjoining bathroom. Spawn catches a strange vibe from him. JonBenet calls him over to continue playing with her. He exits. Tinkle tinkle tinkle goes the scary Lifetime movie piano.

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