24
Day 3: 12:00 AM – 1:00 AM

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You've Got To Be Somebody's Baby!

The time is 12:16:24 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Nina sits in profile; Special Agent Charlie Brown does something; Kiefer looks back as though he's looking at Nina; and Spawn formats files as she baby-sits. Potato Face enters to check on the baby. Spawn stands up and blurts, "Adam just told me that you're not the mother of this child!" Potato Face explains that the baby really belongs to her boyfriend, Eric. "So why isn't he taking care of his daughter?" asks Spawn. "Because that's the first place his ex-wife would look," replies Potato Face, who goes onto to explain that Eric's ex-wife has a new boyfriend who has been abusing the baby. "So why doesn't the ex-wife stop the boyfriend?" asks Spawn. "Because apparently she's in some sort of denial," says Potato Face, raising her eyebrows in this really scary way. "So why doesn't he call Child Protective Services?" asks Spawn, conveniently forgetting that she took the law into her own hands last season when she kidnapped JonBenet. Potato Face explains that Social Services has been called, but that a social worker can't make a visit until tomorrow. "He's afraid by then it will be too late," Potato Face adds. "He's kidnapping Angela?" exclaims Spawn. "Technically," says Potato Face, doing the eyebrow-raise again. "But just for tonight." "Kidnapping is a felony!" chides Spawn. Oh yeah, Spawn? So why isn't your ass in jail? Potato Face dares Spawn to call the police: "But if this child is returned to its mother and something bad happens, then that's on you!" Their conversation is interrupted by Bitchelle, who tells Potato Face that Soul Patch needs her on the floor post-haste. The women pause until Bitchelle is all, "Is there a problem?" Potato Face stares Spawn down until Spawn says that there's "no problem." "Let me know how much of her bottle she takes," says Potato Face to Spawn, following Bitchelle down the stairs.

The time is 12:18:21 PM. Voyeur-Cam shows us Lady Mac knocking on the door of a mobile home. The aluminum door swings open with a feeble "thwack!," and a real backwoodsy middle-aged guy steps out. He's balding, and is wearing a flannel shirt over a wifebeater. Because, you see, the laws of the television universe clearly state that if you live in a mobile home but have no "wife" to "beat," you must cover up your wifebeater with an outer garment of some sort, preferably a flannel shirt or something else you could purchase at a Wal-Mart. "Mr. Kelly?" asks Lady Mac. Mister Kelly invites her in. Voyeur-Cam shows the door closing behind her. Inside, Kelly tells Lady Mac to have a seat, and offers her a drink. Lady Mac sits down and watches with discomfort as he guzzles a juice glass full of what looks to be either Southern Comfort or Jim Beam. "We appreciate your help on this," says Lady Mac. "'We' meaning 'you and the President,' right?" asks Kelly. Lady Mac assures Kelly that she is representing the President, and for some reason, Kelly doesn't question her on the fact that everyone in America knows that Palmer kicked Lady Mac to the curb over four years ago. Like, if Marla Maples showed up at your house to discuss business with you on behalf of "The Donald," wouldn't you at least cock an eyebrow or something? Nevertheless, they get down to business, and start to discuss the fact that William Ocean, III was driving the car that hit and killed Kelly's daughter twelve years ago. At first, Kelly tries to deny what happened, but then Lady Mac whips out a copy of a bank statement from an account set up in Kelly's name three weeks after the accident, into which a large amount of money was deposited. "This was to keep your mouth shut, wasn't it?" asks Lady Mac. Kelly admits that he saw the accident and got the license plate number and everything, but kept quiet in return for some cash. "It was blood money and I took it," says Kelly, neglecting to explain why he's still living in a trailer park despite having one of America's richest men by the balls. When Lady Mac tries to persuade him to hold a press conference to set things straight, Kelly demands something in return: he wants Palmer to pardon his son who is serving a life sentence for murder.

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