24
Day 3: 5:00 PM – 6:00 PM

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Find Kyle Singer!

There's a new "Kiefer Mambo" promo that's just like the old one, but it's got this red "Fox" logo interspersed throughout and breaking up the monochromatic cobalt blue thing they had going on. I'm guessing that this has something to do with the holidays approaching. No, it's not even Thanksgiving yet and already Christmas is everywhere. The Eggnog Lattes have been on sale at Starbucks for weeks now, and all of the stores have had their Christmas decorations up since Halloween. It's not my imagination; they are starting "Christmas" way earlier than usual. And thanks to the feature on my new TiVo that allows me to add a minute onto each end of the episodes that I record, I have to sit through the tail end of An American Idol Christmas. Kelly Clarkson is the grand finale. She's gained the weight back and let her streaks grow in. She's all in white singing Silent Night, and boy does this girl love Jesus. He was born on Christmas Day, you know.

24. Blip blip blip blip blip. Previouslys. Palmer and Dr. Anne are…[yawn]. Excuse me, I totally fell asleep during that segment and I have a splinter on my finger which prevents me from hitting the rewind button and watching it again. Before my head hit the pillow, I thought I heard the word "trust" bandied about. Bitchelle's got quite a lot on her plate these days…I mean, "hours." She's waiting to hear if her husband is going to survive, and she's running CTU singlehandedly. Kyle and Linda, the Quaran-teens, are captured by the Piquante Pickup Partners and placed in the Terror-arium. Special Agent Charlie Brown is tired of sitting around CTU with his wings clipped, so he takes advantage of the disruption in the chain of command to sneak out and go interrogate Felipe Hartmano. Meanwhile Kiefer is plotting to release Felipe Hartmano from U.S. custody in order to satisfy terrorist demands…but as a rogue agent, so Palmer's reputation doesn't get sullied. When Kiefer gets to the prison he finds and knocks out Special Agent Charlie Brown and basically starts a prison riot.

USC. As a lone cornet blares in the distance like a call to battle, the Presidential debate between Palmer and Keeler begins. As the moderator, who looks like Steve Colbert from The Daily Show, makes some opening statements, the camera pans the auditorium so we can see the small audience, as well as Secret Service agents, technicians, campaign aides from both sides, and the television cameras which bring the debate to a much larger audience of home viewers. Meanwhile, backstage, Palmer is collecting his thoughts. He stands next to Dr. Anne as she strokes his upper arm with an almost motherly concern. She asks him how he's feeling. "Is that a medical question?" he asks. "Or personal?" "Both," she says. He insists he's fine. Shut up, cornet! Keeler is introduced. He takes the stage with confidence and waves to the crowd. I think it's time we got Keeler a nickname, so I'm calling him Ruby Keeler from now on. Ruby Keeler was a hoofer who starred in several Busby Berkeley musicals and was married to Al Jolson. She has, like, nothing to do with Senator Keeler except that she has his last name, so that's that. As Palmer prepares to take the stage, Dr. Anne apologizes one more time for the actions of her ex-husband. "It's all right," says Palmer. "We have the truth on our side." What was that sharp pain in my stomach? Oh, wait. I remember. It was that large, strong alcoholic beverage I had to take several gulps of after Palmer actually said, "We have the truth on our side." The moderator introduces Palmer. He kisses Dr. Anne on the forehead and takes the stage. Meanwhile, Brother Palmer watches the debate begin on a monitor with a vaguely stalker-ish intensity. Palmer begins his opening statements. Something about wanting to talk about "critical issues." The camera pans some more across the various monitors in the auditorium with Palmer's face on them. A piece of glassware breaks against one of these monitors…

…because that monitor is the jailhouse television and there's a prison riot happening. The prison doors were only activated to open just moments ago and already there are fires, glass breakage, guards being kicked in the stomach, and all-around violence and mayhem. By the way, all of these prisoners are practically what Norman Rockwell would have depicted if he ever painted a riot in a maximum-security prison. All the men are really shiny. They have shaved heads and buff bodies…and not those angry, bulky prison-weight room bodies, but the kind of bodies you get when you live in L.A. and have a really good personal trainer. There also seems to be a perfect 50/50 split between the Caucasians and the African-Americans. And their prison uniforms seem freshly pressed. They probably all have this really nice soapy smell too. Several yards from this choreographed chaos are Kiefer and Felipe Hartmano. As they search for a way out of the prison, they spy the angry mob and hide from it momentarily as Kiefer unveils his plan. He uncuffs Hartmano and tells him to pretend to fight with him over a gun. They do this as several guards in riot gear run past them. Kiefer calls out to them for help. Two of them swing by to break them up. Kiefer and Hartmano knock them unconscious and take their uniforms. It's The Benny Hill Show. However, Hartmano gets carried away with knocking his guard unconscious, and Kiefer has to tell him to tone it down.

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