Prison Break

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Prison Break

Early in the morning of September 25, Kiefer Sutherland was arrested in Los Angeles and spent the night in jail for driving under the influence of alcohol. This is bad. It was his second arrest for the same offense, the first one occurring in 2004. This is worse. Under the terms of the five-year probation he agreed to serve as part of the earlier conviction, this new arrest may mean he has to spend up to a year in jail. For 24 and its network, Fox, this is potentially disastrous.

Naturally, executives at Fox, Imagine, and Real Time Productions have been brainstorming around the clock, coming up with ideas to deal with every possible contingency. Several undercover TWoP-eratives were able to succeed in smuggling notes from these meetings back to our headquarters. Unfortunately, they were caught and are currently being tortured with hotel-room lamps and plastic bags. Also, a rather stinky bowling bag was delivered by courier to 30 Rockefeller Plaza this morning and we're kind of afraid to open it.

But read the following, and their sacrifice will not have been in vain.

PRIORITY ONE: Keep Kiefer out of jail.

Hire Nicole Richie's lawyer, because, damn.

For sentencing, try to get a right-wing judge who is a total hardliner on the rule of law, a stickler with no patience for criminals whatsoever, who gives the maximum sentence every time. Someone like that can probably be counted on to cut 24 a break.

Failing that, offer the judge a walk-on on 24.

Offer the judge his or her own syndicated daily TV show.

Offer the judge his or her own primetime show.

Offer to put said show on in place of Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?

If applicable, offer to arrange for the judge's child to be a finalist on this season's American Idol. After all, nobody suspected a thing last year with Sanjaya.

If none of the above works, have [Fox News chief] Roger [Ailes] sic [Bill] O'Reilly on the judge.

CONTINGENCY PLAN #1: Continue production with Kiefer while he is in jail.

Produce several crossover episodes with Prison Break.

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