The Girl Next Door

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now!
It's a Little Funny

Welcome to my first movie recap. It's kind of a departure from recapping 24, in that it's twice as long and there are no commercials and there's no ticking clock popping up on the screen every few minutes to tell me how far along I am and Elisha Cuthbert's hair doesn't look like ass. But I'll adapt.

We open on softly-spoken, porny-sounding-but-actually clean dialogue over soft, porny music as the opening titles are intercut with porny-looking-but-actually-clean images like a close-up on a woman's lips, a camera lens, polished fingernails clutching the arm of a chair. The porny male photographer voice breathes, "You ready?" and the woman says, "Yeah," as we find out she's actually a somewhat plain high school student, fully dressed, getting snapped by a school photographer in the gymnasium. Not snapped like that, you pervs. The movie was just fucking with you. Just get used to the fact that when this movie isn't fucking with you, it's stealing from other movies. Or, after a certain point, itself. There's a line of other students waiting to have their pictures taken as well, as we cut to the young woman's memories of winning the state championship in soccer. Then there's Lucky from General Hospital, playing Jock #1, getting photographed while voicing over that he'll always remember "mackin' all the honeys." Ew. Flashbacks of him at parties, you know, mackin'. Jock #2 will always remember mowing down people on the lacrosse field. A red-haired nerd will always remember "The Math Club Madmen" (words you don't normally hear together in a row like that), making the "perfect fake IDs" and trying to get into a club, where the bouncer makes them into perfect confetti. The IDs, not the Math Club Madmen. This is not that kind of movie. Which is sad, especially because one of those Math Club Madmen is David Daskal from Average Joe: Hawaii. Jock #3 will always remember the senior prank, which appears to have something to do with a giant inflatable pig. And there's lots of chasing people down and giving them atomic wedgies, as well as abusing the school mascot. I don't think Jock #3 understands that "prank" is singular, or that wedgies are generally recognized as a more sophomoric thing to do. Lots of footage of students doing student stuff. Cheerleaders cheer, chicks clique, black kids wave hello and then wave goodbye because we'll never see them again, prom-goers prom, goths goth, smokers smoke, skateboarders skateboard, skateboarders bleed, everyone bonds. It's like a little video yearbook of stereotypes, set to Queen and David Bowie's "Under Pressure," even though it doesn't look like it's 1982.

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