Bachelorette

Everything is Normal and Nothing Hurt

By Carla Sparks | Aired on 08.05.2013

Season 9: After the Final Rose - Live, now on After the Final Rose, we greet the inevitable. No surprises, no twists, just a slow creep to the contractually obligated finish line. At least we get to learn who the next Bachelor is. Desiree comes out...

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It's slim pickings for Desiree this season.

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9-12 Weecap	Everything is Normal and Nothing Hurt Season 9: After the Final Rose - Everyone takes a turn on Chris Harrison's gray chairs of awkwardness and the next Bachelor is revealed.	08.05.2013	C	Carla Sparks
Ep.	Title	Air/Pub'l	Grade	Author
9-11 Weecap	The Last Man Kneeling Season 9, Episode 11: The Finale, Part 2 - Will Des rise from the ashes to find love, or will she turn every available suitor down and become a withered old maid? Those are her only options.	08.05.2013 08.06.2013	C-	Carla Sparks
9-10 Weecap	Brooks Was Here Season 9, Episode 10 - Oh, Brooks made a mistake. It seems that instead of being madly in love with Desiree and wanting to spend the rest of his life with her, he is not at all in love with her and wants to go home.	07.29.2013 07.30.2013	A	Daniel
9-9 Weecap	Désolé, Desiree Season 9: The Men Tell All - The ousted losers return for the war-crimes tribunal of Ben and James, neither of whom seems particularly repentant, but that could just be because the only thing they did wrong was sign up for The Bachelorette in the first place.	07.22.2013 07.23.2013	F	Daniel
9-8 Weecap	Shouldn't Have Put a Ring On It Season 9, Episode 8 - Here's hoping Zak can at least get back the deposit he put down for the hall he rented for the wedding reception.	07.15.2013 07.16.2013	F	Daniel
9-7 Weecap	Frankly, Madeira, I Don't Give A Damn Season 9, Episode 7 - Which is worse: A bachelorette who pretends to be in love with all her remaining bachelors, or one who is clearly more smitten with one above the rest? Answer: They're both worse!	07.08.2013 07.09.2013	F	Daniel
9-5 Weecap	Bavarian Brouhaha Season 9, Episode 5 - The other contestants rejoice when Ben is dispatched under mumbly, weaselly, shifty-eyed cross-examining by Michael that should have, at worst, meant both of them getting sent home. But that’s OK, because there’s a new “here for the wrong reasons” target, and his name is James.	06.24.2013 06.25.2013	F	Daniel
9-4 Weecap	Manmade Disaster Meets Natural Disaster Season 9, Episode 4 - The producers of The Bachelorette are apparently under the impression that their audience isn't aware of things that are actually important versus things that are on The Bachelorette.	06.17.2013 06.18.2013	F	Daniel
9-3 Weecap	I'm Sure They'd Think Again if They Had a Friend Like Ben Season 9, Episode 3 - "It's called The Bachelorette, not Let's Make Friends." It's not called Let's Wear Women's Tanktops either, Ben. Meanwhile, Brian's ex-girlfriend is unconvincing as herself.	06.10.2013 06.11.2013	F	Daniel
9-2 Weecap	Everything Is Terrible and Everyone Hurts Season 9, Episode 2 - The men produce a rap video called "For the Right Reasons" which -- shocker -- turns out to be horrifying in every single way imaginable.	06.03.2013 06.04.2013	F	Daniel
9-1 Weecap	#worstcropofbachelorsyet Season 9 Premiere - And now the story of a group of men who lost all self-respect, and the one woman who had no choice but to eliminate them one by one. It's Desiree's arrested development.	05.27.2013 05.28.2013	F	Daniel
8-11 Weecap	One Ring to Fool Them All After the Final Rose - Emily and "Jef" share all kinds of shocking secrets, like how much they love each other, and Emily's superfluous third nipple! Well, the nipple doesn't come up so much.	07.22.2012 07.23.2012	F	Daniel
8-10 Weecap	The Glory of Love Season 8, Episode 10 - Emily cries and cries and cries: her family won't tell her who to marry, despite everything she has been through (i.e. fancy dates in exotic places around the world).	07.22.2012 07.23.2012	F	Daniel
8-10 Weecap	Confidence Men Season 8, The Men Tell All - The men tell all, or some, but mostly reinforce their personalities as overconfident yahoo (Ryan), disappointed dad (Doug), sensitive sweetheart (Sean) or arrogant jackass (Kalon, OBVIOUSLY).	07.16.2012 07.17.2012	F	Daniel
8-9 Weecap	You Don't Have to Go Home, but You Can't Stay Here Season 8, Episode 9 - It's the overnight dates, which this season are actually the "kissing only, I'm trying to set an example" dates.	07.09.2012 07.10.2012	F	Daniel
8-8 Weecap	The Old Prince Still Lives At Home Season 8, Episode 8 - Emily meets her boyfriends' families, and has a prank pulled on her by Sean, who managed to convince her he doesn't have any money. I mean, "still lives at home."	07.02.2012 07.03.2012	F	Daniel
8-7 Weecap	Where The Streets Have No Shame Season 8, Episode 7 - Sean runs through the streets of Prague yelling Emily's name. He finds her, because it's not like Prague has 1.2 million people in it or anything. Oh, and Arie dated a woman briefly ten years ago so … scandal?	06.25.2012 06.26.2012	F	Daniel
8-6 Weecap	12 Simple Rules for Dating An Adult Ryan Season 8, Episode 6 - The Bachelorette goes to Croatia, which is well-known for its advance screenings of Disney Pixar movies and the Scottish Highland Games.	06.18.2012 06.19.2012	F	Daniel
8-5 Weecap	Whalin' on Kalon Season 8, Episode 5 - Kalon calls Ricki "baggage." Somehow, Emily survives, but it was touch-and-go there for a while.	06.11.2012 06.12.2012	F	Daniel
8-4 Weecap	Ego Tripping Season 8, Episode 4 - Ryan's practically heroic overconfidence, Chris's hilariously unthreatening confrontational style and Arie's impression of Doug-as-Hulk make this episode less unwatchable than normal.	06.04.2012 06.05.2012	A	Daniel
8-3 Weecap	With a Little Help from Her 'Friends' Season 8, Episode 3 - You can tell Emily not to get fat. You can tell her to shut up while you're talking. Just don't tell her that marriage involves compromise, or else you're going home NOW.	05.28.2012 05.29.2012	F	Daniel
8-2 Weecap	The Muppets, The Famewhores, And Me 19 Remaining Bachelors - The Muppets turn up for some reason, and nineteen guys get pared down to sixteen, which means it's still too early to know anyone's name.	05.21.2012 05.22.2012	C-	Couch Baron
8-1 Weecap	For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her Emily Meets the Bachelors - Emily Maynard, here's a crew of losers, one of whom may be a potential father for Ricki and the minivan-full of babies that you want!	05.14.2012 05.15.2012	F	Daniel
7-10 Weecap	After the Rose Season 7: After the Rose - As Bret Michaels says, every rose has its thorn and this one's name is Ben.	08.01.2011 08.02.2011	A	LuluBates
7-10 Weecap	The Grand Finale Season 7: The Final Rose - In which Ashley picks a husband just to piss off her sister.	08.01.2011 08.02.2011	A	LuluBates
7-9 Weecap	Hallelujah Season 7: The Men Tell All - It's raining [whiny, bitter, angry, weepy, brain damaged] men.	07.31.2011 08.01.2011	A	LuluBates
7-9 Weecap	W.T.Fiji Season 7: Episode 9 - One contestant shows up for no good reason and one walks out before the Fantasy Suite.	07.25.2011 07.26.2011	A	LuluBates
7-8 Weecap	Pimp That Home Season 7: Hometown Dates - Ashley hits the bachelors' hometowns like they owe her money.	07.18.2011 07.19.2011	A	LuluBates
7-7 Weecap	Taiwan On Season 7: Episode 7 - The spectre of hometown dates means everyone's talking love. Except Ryan who is talking tankless water heaters.	07.11.2011 07.12.2011	A	LuluBates
7-6 Weecap	Hong Kong Phooey Season 7, Episode 6 - Bentley shows up in Hong Kong, and Ashley goes from coyly wanting him back to appearing to want him dead. Then she spends the rest of the episode telling us how over Bentley she is.	06.27.2011 06.28.2011	F	Daniel
7-4 Weecap	Beau Thai Season 7 Episode 5 - The Men take it to the Next Level by beating the crap out of each other for Ashley's viewing pleasure.	06.20.2011 06.21.2011	A	LuluBates
7-4 Weecap	F@#in' Phuket Episode 4 - Ashley invites the men to Thai one on. See what I did there?	06.13.2011 06.14.2011	A	LuluBates
7-3 Weecap	The Dearly Departed Season 7 Episode 3 - In which Bentley makes his move.	06.06.2011 06.07.2011	A	LuluBates
7-2 Weecap	Playing the Odds Episode 2 - What happens in Vegas, should have stayed in Vegas.	05.30.2011 05.31.2011	A	LuluBates
7-1 Recap	Meet the Meat Season 7 Episode 1 - Bachelorette Ashley has a whole lot of man meat on her hands, but strangely lets the butcher go home early.	05.23.2011 05.24.2011	A	LuluBates
6-12 Weecap	Every Rose Has its Thorns After the Final Rose - Ali and Roberto are still engaged. For now.	08.02.2010 08.03.2010	D-	LuluBates
6-11 Weecap	The Final Rose Ali Invites the Final Two Bachelors to Tahiti to Meet Her Family - Ali chooses Man Meat over Emotionless Spam.	08.02.2010 08.03.2010	A+	LuluBates
6-9 Weecap	Nothing to Tell The Men Tell All - The least interesting of the ousted bachelors talk about the much more interesting ousted bachelors for two hours. TWO HOURS.	07.26.2010 07.27.2010	D-	LuluBates
6-8 Weecap	Let's Be Frank Episode 9 - Roberto and Chris get some action, while Frank just gets honest.	07.19.2010 07.20.2010	A+	LuluBates
6-8 Weecap	Hospitality, Taxidermy Basement-Style Ali Meets The Bachelors' Families - Kirk's family embarrasses themselves pretty badly while the other bachelors' families do not, so you can probably guess who got sent home.	07.12.2010 07.13.2010	A+	LuluBates
6-7 Weecap	Party of Five plus Jake and Vienna Episode 7 - Ali and her himbos are in Portugal, but they can't escape the voice of Bachelor Jake yelling, "STOP UNDERMINING ME, AMERICA!"	07.05.2010 07.06.2010	A+	LuluBates
6-6 Weecap	Istanbul, Not Constantinople Episode 6 - Pro Tip: If you've got a date in Constantinople, she'll be waiting in Istanbul. Unless you're Justin or Craig.	06.28.2010 06.29.2010	A+	LuluBates
6-5 Weecap	Cold! Episode 5 - Kasey ends up with his ultimate partner: the vast, frozen, merciless, empty world.	06.21.2010 06.22.2010	A+	M. Giant
6-4 Weecap	Take New York Episode 4 - Ali and her man-gang hit New York City and sap the city's reserves of Valtrex.	06.14.2010 06.15.2010	A+	LuluBates
6-3 Weecap	Who in the What Now? Episode 3 - Ali gang-dates most of the men in the house, but makes sure to take some quiet time with dreamboat Roberto 500 feet above LA. Because that's totally normal.	06.07.2010 06.08.2010	A+	LuluBates
6-2 Weecap	Seventeen and Counting Episode 2 - The Bachelorette makes out with two men, but makes sure Nana knows she is dating seventeen men at once.	05.31.2010 06.01.2010	A+	LuluBates
5-1 Weecap	Meet the Meat Generation Vexed - It's Bachelorette Ali's man meat round up! Yeehaw?	05.24.2010 05.25.2010	A+	LuluBates
5-12 Weecap	The Last Rose of Summer After the Final Rose - Melissa’s happy. Kiptyn’s not happy. Reid’s not happy. Jillian and Ed are really happy. Happiest of all? People who hate this show!	07.28.2009 07.29.2009	D	Daniel
5-11 Weecap	With This Ring, I Thee Ed Jillian Makes Her Final Decision - Jillian dumps Kiptyn, and then tells us she's so in love with Ed, at least until Reid shows up to stand around for three hours while Jillian agonizes over him. And then Chris Harrison gives her some advice, and then she remembers: she's in so much love with Ed!	07.27.2009 07.28.2009	D	Daniel
5-10 Weecap	Bros Before Hos and Common Sense The Men Tell All - David defends his creepy behavior, Wes is lambasted in absentia, and Jason Mesnick shows up to explain how his dumping Melissa is actually the reason for her happiness.	07.20.2009 07.21.2009	D	Daniel
5-9 Weecap	Ups and Downs One of the Bachelors Has a Surprise for Jillian - Quite possibly the first episode of any dating show to deal with the troublesome issue of erectile dysfunction.	07.13.2009 07.14.2009	B-	Angel Cohn
5-8 Weecap	The Spanish Inquisition Jillian and the Four Remaining Bachelors Go to Spain - Jillian meets her four final fellas in Spain and grills them about their true intentions... which doesn't go well if you happen to be a lying, cheating asshat like Wes.	07.06.2009 07.07.2009	C+	Angel Cohn
5-7 Weecap	I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend Jillian Visits The Bachelors' Hometowns - Jake decides to fly to Austin before Jillian's hometown date with Wes to warn her that Wes has a girlfriend. In an unbelievable stroke of luck, the cameras are there to record it all.	06.29.2009 06.30.2009	B+	Daniel
5-6 Weecap	Throw Robby from the Train Train Trip - Wes gets more upfront with the other guys about how he's on the show to gain exposure for his music career. I don't know what everyone's up in arms about. Shouldn't repeated exposure of "Love Don't Come Eeeeassy" ensure that Wes will soon have to get a real job?	06.22.2009 06.23.2009	B	Daniel
5-5 Weecap	Ed's Dead, Baby. Ed's Dead. Fun in the Snow - Warning: Jillian expects you to get fired from your job to prove you want to be with her, even as she falls in love with many guys at once.	06.15.2009 06.16.2009	D	Daniel
5-4 Weecap	I'm Here for the Right Reasons -- Booze Three of the Bachelors are Sent Home - Jillian hears some rumours that some of the guys there have girlfriends, but no one owns up to it. And David finally gets the boot!	06.08.2009 06.09.2009	D	Daniel
5-3 Weecap	Keep on Chasing that Unicorn "Group Date to a Movie Set" - Dave gets drunk and rages about Juan the whole time, like a tiresome party guest, except a lot of the bachelors don’t seem to mind being yelled at constantly about how Juan is worse than Hitler.	06.01.2009 06.02.2009	D	Daniel
5-2 Weecap	"I Was Hung Like a Light Switch" Eight Bachelors Go to Pool Party - The bachelors get sent on a scavenger hunt. The prize is dinner with Jillian. It could be worse. It could be dinner with Jillian and a Martina McBride concert.	05.25.2009 05.26.2009	B	Daniel
5-1 Weecap	Now With 20% More Male Famewhores! Jillian Harris Searches For Love - Remember how we all used to like Jillian? Tonight, ABC gets to work on wrecking that, too.	05.18.2009 05.19.2009	C	Daniel
4-10 Weecap	Crocodile Tears DeAnna Accepts A Proposal - Jason gets the front-runner's edit, but Jesse gets the underdog's victory as DeAnna chooses pink shoelaces.	07.07.2008 07.08.2008	F	Daniel
4-9 Weecap	Get Him a Body Bag! "The Men Tell All" - Most of these guys DeAnna let go because they didn’t open up enough. So just how successful did they think this episode would be?	06.30.2008 07.01.2008	A	Daniel
4-8 Weecap	Where Do Broken Hearts Go? "Romantic, Overnight Dates" - There are three J’s -- Jason, Jeremy and Jesse -- trying to win DeAnna’s heart. That’s one J too many.	06.30.2008 07.01.2008	D	Daniel
4-7 Weecap	Golden Graham "DeAnna Meets Bachelors' Families" - After meeting the remaining four bachelors' families, DeAnna dumps Graham, and then yells at him, because it's his fault, apparently.	06.23.2008 06.24.2008	D	Daniel
4-6 Weecap	Here I Go Again On My Own "An Evening of Dinner and Dancing" - DeAnna has an existential crisis and cancels the cocktail party, wailing at the futility of it all.	06.16.2008 06.17.2008	F	Daniel
4-5 Weecap	DeAnna Tells All...For About 20 Minutes "DeAnna Tells All" - DeAnna’s inane natterings bookend The Most Boring Clip Show ever. So that’s what the bottom of the barrel looks like.	06.16.2008 06.17.2008	F	Daniel
4-4 Weecap	Blue DeAnna Song "A Date at the California Speedway" - It’s the most shocking date ever! DeAnna murders two bachelors and eats their still-beating hearts!	06.09.2008 06.10.2008	D	Daniel
4-3 Weecap	Everybody Farts "A Group Date at a Dude Ranch" - Ron doesn’t get rejected. Ron thinks Chuck Norris Facts are true about himself.	06.02.2008 06.03.2008	D+	Daniel
4-2 Weecap	King Jeremy the Wicked Episode 2 - Clearly we remember picking on the boy. Also: Jason gets in DeAnna’s box.	05.26.2008 05.27.2008	D	Daniel
4-1 Weecap	Did I Shave My Chest for This? DeAnna Pappas Chooses From 25 Bachelors - DeAnna Pappas is so over Brad, you can tell, because he’s only talked about during ninety percent of the episode, instead of a hundred percent.	05.19.2008 05.20.2008	D	Daniel
2-7 Recap	Circle Gets The Square Once In Love With Ian - Actually, Square gets the Circle. Actually, Square gets no one. Actually, Circle just gets Ian.	02.24.2004 02.27.2004	D+	Djb
2-6 Recap	Loser Is As Loser Does Island Of Tropic Diseases - Try a little tenderness, Meredith. Try a little ANYTHING, Meredith. Just don't try pretending you like Chad. It's embarrassing.	02.17.2004 02.20.2004	A+	Djb
2-5 Recap	Save The Drama For Yo Mama Home On Deranged - Lanny's mom preaches, Matthew's mom rhymes, Chad's mom makes his bed for him, and Ian's mom disappears on cue. Good job, Meredith. Describing all of these guys in terms of their mothers is an excellent sign.	02.10.2004 02.12.2004	B+	Djb
2-4 Recap	Lanny, Get Your Gun One On One's So Slow - Your love gun, that is, you seafood-sautéing stud, you.	02.03.2004 02.05.2004	D+	Djb
2-3 Recap	Sssssssssh! Dude, Don't Be Such A Rick - Ryan M., seriously. The giraffes can't take it anymore.	01.27.2004 01.29.2004	B-	Djb
2-2 Recap	Spare Me Bowlers And Bowling - Bowling is supposed to be nasty and foolish and sloppy and drunk, so you wouldn't think it would work inside a mansion, right? But seriously, with Rick and Meredith creeping up the place, they insure it will be all of the above. Hey! Save me the small orange ball! Oh, wait. That's just Rick's head.	01.20.2004 01.22.2004	C+	Djb
2-1 Recap	She's A Bad Nana Jama House Of Bland And Groggy - The Ghost Of Dead Grandmas Past haunts the first ten minutes of this episode, after which time it descends into an exact retread of every previous season of this show. That's why Djb didn't feel so bad aping his index-page headline from last season. Because seriously? It's the identical show.	01.13.2004 01.15.2004	A+	Djb
Mondo Extra	Marry Me A Lot Trista & Ryan's Wedding, Part 3 - I don't. And I can't. And I won't. And I think we should see other reality shows. Because this is NOT working out.	12.10.2003 12.14.2003	A+	Djb
Mondo Extra	Lamb, Meet Slaughter Trista & Ryan's Wedding, Part 2 - Ryan bawls like a small child and it's all very pathetic.	12.02.2003 12.08.2003	B-	Djb
Mondo Extra	Death Wears A Sweater Set Trista & Ryan's Wedding, Part 1 - Don't fear the reaper. For she will introduce you to people who let you taste delicious cakes.	11.25.2003 11.28.2003	D+	Djb
1-7 Recap	Worshipping False American Idols Attention Beggars Can Be Choosers - What if you threw a surprise reality-show finale and nobody came?	02.18.2003 02.21.2003	B	Djb
1-6 Recap	Uncontrolled Substances The Men Tell All - Videotaped footage of a grown man urinating on his own bed is burned on our retinas forever. It just makes that whole cocaine-bust thing pale in comparison, doesn't it?	02.11.2003 02.14.2003	B-	Djb
1-5 Recap	The Biorhythm Method You're All I Overthink About - Russ gets his aura read and his ego shattered, and Rhymin' and Sideshow Charlie get...well, laid.	02.04.2003 02.07.2003	D+	Djb
1-4 Recap	A Room of One's Own A Very Very Very Fine House - You could fit all of the action of this episode into Greg's studio apartment. And you could wipe that sneer off your face when you do it, young lady.	01.28.2003 01.31.2003	C-	Djb
1-3 Recap	Ryan's Hope Oh, The Humanity! - "I like rocks. Rocks are gray. When you talk to a rock. They always say..."	01.21.2003 01.24.2003	B-	Djb
1-2 Recap	Encino Evil Chargers: A Million / Dorks: Eight - Yeah, um, hi everyone. I'm Guy. Who the hell are all you people?	01.14.2003 01.17.2003	B	Djb
1-1 Recap	Slice Up the Beefcake Debut - Twenty-five eligible blue-collar bohunks in varying degrees of cheap suits make their first plays for Trista's heart.	01.07.2003 01.10.2003	B-	Djb