Big Brother
Move-In Day

Episode Report Card
Jessica: B- | Grade It Now!
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House of pain

Big Brother 2 opens with a shot of the new and improved Big Brother house. It’s much, much nicer than last season’s house, which was so ugly it made my eyes bleed tears of vomit. I’m very aesthetically sensitive, people. The place looks extremely Real World, all recessed lighting and earth-toned pillows. Julie Chen says some stuff about the houseguests having no privacy, anywhere, ever, as very dramatic violin music swells in the background. Julie Chen reads her lines like she’s reporting on the war in Bosnia, rather than the wacky hijinks of a bunch of strangers, picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. Oops, wrong show.

So, Julie strides out of the house, wearing what looks like a shiny purple jumpsuit. Sadly, it’s a top and pants. Still ugly, but not nearly as funny as the jumpsuit would have been; I had this entire John Travolta joke worked out. Damn it. Anyway, Julie Chen explains that the houseguests are going to compete for food, luxuries, and power, and, once a week, they’re going to evict “one of their own.” Eventually, she says, there will be only one Survivor. So to speak. She reminds us that the winner gets a cool half mil.

“Who are the twelve people willing to give up their lives, their loved ones and their privacy?” Julie wonders, before telling us that the Big Brother crew showed up at each houseguest’s home mere days ago, to give them the news that they’re about to get a new address! She smiles prissily, and we cut to a montage of houseguests, each finding a large key attached to a tag reading, “Congratulations Houseguest! Welcome to Big Brother 2!” I love how everyone acts all surprised when they see the key, as though the arrival of the camera crew didn’t tip them off.

Krista finds her key on a table in the restaurant where she works. “Oh mah God,” she breathes.

Autumn finds hers on her bed. “Oh meeee God,” she whines, wrinkling up her nose.

Monica finds hers in the fridge. She goes crazy. “Oh, God, noooooooo!” she screams, and grips her skull.

Sheryl flashes the key to her family. Her son jumps up and down like a little girl. Her daughter looks totally mortified.

Justin’s girlfriend kisses him. Actually, considering what we find out about Justin, it’s probably not his girlfriend. He might not even know her name.

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Big Brother

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