Big Brother
The End

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M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now!
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Not with a Bang but a Meh

Flanked by a live studio audience, Julie welcomes us to the 81st and final day, whereupon the spectators give a standing ovation. Wow, easy crowd. Or else they're as happy as I am this is almost over. That segues into a supersized previouslies segment that covers the whole season to date. Which I've already done, so I'm not going through it all again. All you need to know is that we're down to Adam and Ryan, but you already know that. And the finale credits have returned everyone's names and faces, except of course for Neil's, who has been disappeared for good. It's like CBS shot him into orbit. Around Neptune.

After the credits, Julie reminds us that one of the final two will win half a million dollars, the other $50,000, and America gets to vote for its "favorite juror" to win $25,000. I know who I'm voting for: nobody. Speaking of the jury, let's visit their house.

The producers make the six existing jurors -- Sharon, James, Chelsia, Natalie, Matt, and Joshuah -- sit on an outdoor patio and have a totally staged conversation about who they think will be the final juror. Josh is in the middle of putting down Sheila when she walks up, and everyone realizes that Ryan and Adam are the final two. Wow, all this and they're math wizards, too. As Sheila sits down, the two-time final competition loser actually has the gall to tell everyone that Adam screwed her over by losing the HoH to Ryan. Sheila is so bitter that right now she wants to punish Adam and vote for Ryan. They all discuss reasons for voting for each one. The overall consensus seems to be that Ryan played a better game in general, whereas Adam was a big sneak. It goes on roughly forever until I lose track of which one of them everyone's talking about. But for now, they all pretty much agree that it's going to some down to "last impressions."

After the ads, a viewscreen has been set up on the jury house patio so the jurors can start grilling the final two via live video link. Matt's question comes first: what's Adam going to do with the money? Adam says $100,000 will go to after school programs. Ryan answers the same question by saying he'll help his mom, and spend some on himself and Jen (whom all the jurors hate, you'll recall), and "some charity." "That was the worst answer ever," Joshuah scoffs.

Sharon asks Ryan about his eye contact with Adam after her eviction, and why he lied to her about keeping her. Ryan stammers that he was fighting for Sharon all week, and just made a last-minute decision. Chelsia then screams at Ryan about why he wants to be with Jen, who called him out as, in Chelsia's colorful phrase, "a hatred person." Ryan says he still loves Jen. "Wrong answer," Chelsia snots. Wow, that is cold. Yes, Jen is an asshole, but Ryan wouldn't have won any points by shit-talking his girlfriend either. Win or lose, Jen's still the one he's going home with. Joshuah asks Adam why he should be rewarded for making other people do his dirty work. Adam insists that he did his best in the final stage of that last HoH competition, and didn't throw it, whatever they might think. Instead of remarking on the content of Adam's speech, Joshuah lectures Adam for screaming at the TV screen, as though he's the only one. Seriously, they're all talking to each other like they're using faulty cell phones on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier. James asks Adam why he's a better competitor, and why he thinks he deserves to be in the final two over Sheila. Adam points out that he brought Sheila along too, which doesn't exactly impress his partner.

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Big Brother

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