Big Brother
Wieners and Losers

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: B | Grade It Now!
Let's Be Frank

Brendon from Riverside California is a swim coach who says he's used to high school drama. That's actually a good point. Kristen is a poor man's Christina Applegate from Philadelphia, who seems to be something of a party girl. Ragan is from West Hollywood, California, and although he claims to have a Ph.D. in communications studies, he seems to insist on dressing like a gas station attendant in 1956. Looks like he's ready to step into the role of the evil gay, though.

Montage of the houseguests packing, edited for maximum implied tension that may or may not play out when everyone actually gets into the house, so I'm not going to spend a lot of time on it. In fact, I'm done. Although I wonder how the taxpayers of Texarkana feel about watching Kathy drive off to the Big Brother house in her police car.

Julie's back to ask us if we've guessed the saboteur yet. Uh, Alison Grodner? But before we can spend much time thinking about it, she calls the houseguests out to the yard to all meet each other for the first time, although they're not allowed to talk to each other yet. The first four in the house will be Britney, Ragan, Brendon, and Rachel. In they go, the girls squeeing while the guys hurry to claim bedrooms.

Lane, Annie, Enzo, Kathy, and Andrew are the next group to enter, and rush to claim beds. Annie, who already told us she's bisexual, admits that she's got a little crush on Britney. "I want to put her in my pocket and save her for later." Or accidentally run her through the laundry. Either way.

Finally, Monet, Hayden, Kristen, and Matt get to go inside. A bed shortage is quickly apparent, but nobody freaks out over it. As for the d├ęcor, the only thing that jumps out at me is that the old swimming pool decorated room appears to be gone. The acoustics in there probably gave the sound guys fits anyway.

Then it's time to pop the champagne and do the introductions. Kristen goes first, and Hayden admits that it might take him a week or two to "work my magic." Matt informs them that he just got married in September, but leaves out the part where he's a "certified genius." Whatever; the best part about being in Mensa is hanging out with people who are in Mensa, which again makes me wonder how smart he really is. Rachel acts vapid in her self-intro, leaving out the part where she's a chemist and deploying an annoying laugh that's going to outweigh the boobs in a hurry. The most interesting thing Monet shares about herself is the names of her cats, which I've already forgotten. Ragan has an instant crush on Brendon, while Kristen has a crush on Hayden. So maybe it won't take Hayden a week or two after all. Andrew, wearing what Rachel calls a "yom kippur" on his head (she's a chemist, not a rabbi), makes a crack about thinking this was a speed-dating thing for Jewish singles. He tells everyone he's underemployed rather than being a doctor, so as to generate sympathy for himself. Kathy's clown-like face seems to oblige. Lane says he's "a salesman for an oil company." Which I guess would have been hard to show him doing in his intro montage. Especially if said oil company is BP, in which case this house is probably the safest place for him. Kathy comes right out and says she's 40, with a 22-year-old son. Everyone acts amazed at how great she looks, like she said she's 80 or something. Britney shows off her new engagement ring. Enzo does his Jersey accent, which Annie also likes. Ragan also lies about his job, claiming to be a student in communications rather than a professor. "I'm painfully single," he says. Britney diary-rooms of Ragan that she could tell he was gay the minute he opened his mouth. Why, did a dick fall out of it? She yammers on, "Those are my people. We can talk about boys, shopping, Broadway shows, Sex and the City, the series and the movies. It was just love at first sight." Especially how she knows everything about him just from how he talks. Normally you don't see that kind of jumping to conclusions about people from anyone who isn't Michael Scott. Annie talks about her French Bulldog, "Mr. Cubby Bears," but leaves out her bisexuality. So that's everyone, and Ragan proposes a toast "to our least drama-filled day." Which will prove optimistic.

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