Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Episode Report Card
Sep: D+ | 5 USERS: A
The Unbearable Lightness of Buffy

Espresso Pump. Someone brings Willow another bottle of water as she logs into the public terminal with the sweet cinema display. Water. Because she's dehydrated. Because magic is not like a drug, but rather is a drug. And she's going through withdrawal. And don't you forget it. I should probably be grateful that David Fury's "This is a drug addiction storyline" bat is a plastic whiffle-ball bat instead of the Louisville Slugger that Marti beaned Ace with last time. She still has the bruises. Willow is busy hacking into the DMV to look up a match for the black van in a DMV database. Some magical DMV database that sorts vehicles by tire brand, apparently. She chugs some more water and seems to get impatient with how long the search is taking, so she reaches out to touch the screen but stops herself in time. Booooring! Jeebus, save me! The only thing worse than my day is the episode!

The next minute and a half shows OVOB, who we can't even see, walking down the street and babbling to herself. I'm sitting here watching a Coke can skitter across the screen. If I weren't contractually obligated to watch this, I would have turned it off by now. What makes this even worse is the now familiar refrain of "wacky" music, which is sounding more and more like huge hippos in pink tutus tiptoeing through tulips. Stupid. OVOB walks in the back door and calls out for Willow and Dawn. Finding them not home, she makes a pit stop to refuel. At that moment, the back door opens, and a very late Dawn tries to slip in unnoticed. Buffy calls out to her, but of course, Dawn can't see her. Buffy makes a pizza box joke. Which is just as lame as it sounds. It would have been cool if she'd made a pterodactyl out of the box and then flown it around the room going, "Caw! Caw!" Does anyone besides me remember that Little Caesar's commercial? Dawn is incredibly upset that Buffy is making light of the situation. Buffy tries to apologize, but Dawn reads Buffy the riot act, and I can't decide if she's really upset or just going on the offensive so Buffy won't get up in her grill about coming home late. Either way, it doesn't really matter -- Dawn does the pissy teenager stomp upstairs, and Buffy starts to follow her but is distracted by the blinking light on the answering machine. The message starts playing, and Xanya leave a message filling her in on the potential side effects of invisibility. The camera? Focuses on the answering machine for a full 25 seconds, then pans up to where Buffy ISN'T to get a reaction shot of a character that we can't even see. God. Who pitched this episode? Did the Legion of Dim take the Mutant Enemy office by storm and accidentally hit them with a stupid-and-boring ray? "Wow," deadpans Buffy. And Sarah Michelle? Could you perhaps put down the piña colada for a second and maybe rent an emotion? You were just told that your molecules are melting into tapioca. Muster. An. Appropriate. Response.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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