Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Episode Report Card
Ace: C | 2 USERS: A
Him? Huh.

Outside, Dawn stalks down the street until one of the cheerleaders steps into her path, saying, "I know what you're doing, Slut. I saw you with RJ," all Children of the Corn delivery. What follows is the lamest catfight in the history of catfights. I mean, there isn't even any hair-pulling! What's a catfight without a handful of yanked-out hair extensions? The weird thing is, this lame little flail-fest is shot just the same as a normal fight. Buffy pulls the two hormonal teens apart. Cheerleader kicks Buffy in the shin and prances off, calling out one last threat over her shoulder.

SHS. Principal Wood escorts RJ out of his office, expositioning that RJ is getting detention for farming out his homework to all the little hormone bombs that are so eager to get a piece. Buffy stands off to one side. As RJ prepares to leave, she sits him down for a little talk. She begins to lecture him. He stands up to leave and puts on his jacket, but she shoves him back into the chair. She tries to tell him that, as a leader, he's responsible for setting a good example for others, but the jacket soon starts to work its magic, and Buffy's tone and demeanor quickly change as she begins to wax lustfully about how he "runs a lot" when he's practicing. Aaaand this is yet another scene that is just too squicky to give a blow-by-blow. Suffice it to say that Buffy ooks me out by completely coming on to RJ until she's interrupted by another teacher entering the office.

Dawn enters the front door and encounters Buffy waiting in the living room for a talk. They sit on the sofa, and Buffy informs Dawn that she spoke with RJ, and he's "okay." Dawn begs to hear what RJ said about her, and Buffy explains, "He thinks you're funny and pretty and interesting." What a liar! She continues that RJ didn't have a thing to say against Dawn, but there's something strange about her delivery, which causes Dawn distress. Buffy claims that RJ thinks Dawn "came on too strong." Is there really such a thing as coming on too strong for an egocentric, popular teenaged boy? Still maintaining a façade of usefulness, Buffy suggests that Dawn step back from her pursuit of RJ, and they share a tender moment of bonding during which Dawn doesn't spot Buffy's self-satisfied smirk. Dawn and Buffy have reacted quite differently to this spell. Are we supposed to take a lesson away from the fact that the spell simply turned Dawn into an exaggerated teenage mope, whereas it turned Buffy into a lying, conniving, blithely cold-hearted bitch?

The next day at school, a math teacher is lecturing when Buffy comes hurrying into the classroom and claims, "We need to see RJ in the guidance office." RJ gets up without a word, and Buffy follows him out of the classroom, swishing her plaid-skirt-clad ass. She leads him into an empty classroom and engages into some incredibly painful seduction dialog based on a 1+1 = Dirty Teacher Porn equation. We cut to Dawn, who's walking down a hallway to spy on RJ in his math class. She sees his empty desk. Buffy asks RJ about football, just like a porn movie actress asking about the exciting in and outs (ahem) of the pizza delivery business before leading up to the improbable disrobing scene. I notice that there's an Amnesty International poster on the wall in this classroom. Don't they lobby to protect citizens of the world from torture and other cruel and unusual punishment? Well, where's Amnesty International now, I ask you? Watching Buffy prepare to get groiny with Bland Boy here is all the torture I can take! RJ responds to Buffy's questions with something too boring to comprehend and then adds that Principal Wood expects too much of him. "I wish somebody would just get him off my back," he bitches. Buffy makes wide-eyed, ever-so-interested kewpie doll eyes and grabs RJ. They start to make out. RJ breaks off to engage in some icky Hot For Teacher dialogue. Dawn wanders the halls, peeping into classrooms in hopes of spotting RJ. She walks up to the room containing the icky and gets an eyeful.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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