Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Episode Report Card
Ace: D | 44 USERS: A+

Back at Giles's, Giles leaves the kitchen and bumps into Spike, who pulls his "Kiss the Librarian" mug of blood out of the fridge. He vamps out and gulps the blood down. Yuck, I thought he liked it warm. Anya is sleeping on the couch and Spike kneels on the floor beside her, stacking books. Xander enters the apartment and, seeing Anya asleep with her head thrown back and Spike kneeling next to her with blood on his lips, gets the wrong idea. He charges Spike and knocks him to the ground, punching him repeatedly in the face. The noise wakes Anya and draws Giles and Olivia from the other room. Anya finally gets Xander's attention, gesturing "I'm all right" as Spike points to her. Gee Xander, big man, beating up a guy who can't fight back. Xander rushes to Anya and grabs her for a passionate kiss and hug. Anya looks delighted, Xander throws Spike a "hey, sorry" glance and Spike grimaces. Giles and Olivia smile at the romantic scene until Anya makes a crude hand gesture to Xander indicating her readiness for sex and the couple leaves. Spike looks disgusted and Giles looks appalled.

Tara and Willow race down the stairs in the dorm and close themselves in the laundry room. Willow seems to have hurt her ankle running, and she tries to push a soda machine in front of the door but collapses in pain. The lackeys pound and hammer at the door. Willow stares at the soda machine and tries to move it with the power of her mind; it wiggles a little but doesn't shift. Tara looks at the soda machine and then back at Willow and, staring at her intensely, laces her fingers through Willow's. The girls' heads turn simultaneously and the soda machine zips across the floor and blocks the door. Willow and Tara continue to hold hands and stare at each other. Suddenly I'm deafened by the intense racket caused by thousands of fan-fic writers madly typing Willow-and-Tara love stories. But that racket is drowned out by the even louder din of thousands of horny men posting to Buffy message boards, salivating about girl-on-girl action.

Riley and Buffy are still fighting the loony lackeys. One of them throws a barrel at Buffy, knocking her down. When she recovers she follows him upstairs, leaving Riley to take care of the remaining lackeys. Once upstairs, she pauses to look at the jars of hearts on the table, and one of the henchmen pushes her from behind into the arms of two others. A Gentleman brandishing a glittering scalpel floats over to Buffy and a bolt of blue lightning from Riley's taser gun strikes him in the face. Buffy gets free from the loony lackeys and she and Riley fight them. In the midst of the melee, one of the Gentlemen stabs Buffy in the back. One of the crazy guys gets Buffy in a choke-hold near the table with the hearts and she recognizes the box from her dreams. She starts banging on the clock mechanisms to get Riley's attention and in slow motion he raises his rifle and smashes something next to the box. He looks at Buffy for approval but Buffy looks exasperated and pantomimes a box opening. Riley smashes the box and all of the voices fly out, and Princess Buffy lets out a rather monotone scream. The Gentlemen cover their ears with their hands and their heads explode into green goop that Joss must have gotten from the set of You Can't Do that On Television. ["Try Mars Attacks -- same gimmick, same green stuff." -- Sars] Buffy and Riley exchange a meaningful look as the scene fades out.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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