Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Inca Mummy Girl

Episode Report Card
Sars: C | 12 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
Pointless shrivel

Buffy answers the door to Giles, who bursts in with a "thank heavens you're home." Buffy bitches that yes, she's home, not out with her friends, not having a life, blah blah blah poor-me-cakes. Yes, yes. WE KNOW. Finally she cops a clue and asks what Giles is doing there: "I thought we were gonna meet at the museum to find the bodyguard." No need -- the bodyguard showed up in the bathroom at school, mummified. Buffy doesn't get it: "Why would the mummy kill her own bodyguard?" Giles researched and took a fresh look at the pictograms, and it seems that the guard's job is actually to keep the mummy from waking up and escaping -- to protect others from her, in other words, and not the other way around. "So Ampata translated it wrong," Buffy frowns, and Giles says, "Perhaps," but then Buffy arches a brow and reminds Giles that Ampata freaked out about the seal from the beginning. Giles agrees that she did, and Buffy puts it together: "Her trunks!"

Upstairs, Giles wonders why a girl would pack "all boys' clothes." A moment later, Buffy breaks the lock off the trunk and finds Keith Richards inside. Arching a skeptical brow, Buffy wants to know, "What kind of girl travels with a mummified corpse -- and doesn't even pack a lipstick?"

After a seemingly endless Dingoes montage in which Devon confuses charisma with advanced scoliosis, we pan over to Xander awkwardly inviting Ampata to dance. He leads her onto the dance floor. Willow watches from her hood and tries not to look like she wants to beat herself to death with her own arm. Dancing. Schmoopy gazes.

Onstage, Oz calls Devon over. "That girl. Who is she?"

Shot of Ampata sultrying all over Xander.

Devon says she's an exchange student from South America. "No, not her," Oz half-laughs. "The Eskimo."

Willow, bobbing aimlessly and miserably to the beat.

Oz, gazing in utter awe at Willow. Aw(e).

Filler scene in which Giles's car is not fast enough for Buffy's liking. Shut up, Buffy.

Dancing montage, in which a kiss almost happens but doesn't about a dozen times. And seriously, Ara Celi is very pretty, but she is literally wearing more makeup than the entire cast of Velvet Goldmine -- I just freeze-framed her, and it looks like two daddy longlegses got drunk and passed out on her eyes. Anyway, a real kiss starts to happen, but then Ampata's hand makes a Rice Krispies sound and mummies up, and she whips her hand off Xander's shoulder and flees. "Okay, at least we can rule out something I said," a baffled Xander grumps to himself as Ampata runs through the crowd. The sound goes all wonky as Ampata looks around desperately; then her gaze comes to rest on Jonathan sitting by himself on the stairs.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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