Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Inca Mummy Girl

Episode Report Card
Sars: C | 12 USERS: B
Pointless shrivel

The badly-mustached museum docent herds the students into the Incan mummy burial chamber, intoning into his microphone, "The human sacrifice is about to begin." The students trail after the docent, and Xander crabs, "Typical museum trick: promise human sacrifice, deliver old pots and pans." Xander, at least you got the promise of human sacrifice. The typical museum field trip at my school both promised and delivered boredom, pottery shards, bus sickness, and a pop quiz the next day. The docent brings us up to speed on royal Incan protocols, droning that five hundred years ago, the Incans chose a beautiful teenage girl to become their princess. As the kids file up the steps and onto the painted-Styrofoam bier, Willow hopes aloud that the story has a happily-ever-after-type ending, but Xander peers into the Styro-tomb and says he thinks "it ends with, 'And she became a scary, discolored, shriveled mummy.'" The camera pans down into the Styro-tomb and across Joan Rivers clutching a decorative plate from the Anthropologie catalog. The docent drama-clubs about how the Incans sacrificed the princess to the mountain god Sabancaya and buried her "alive for eternity in this dark tomb." A grimacing Willow objects to the lack of white bandages "like in the movies," and the docent continues that the princess remained in the tomb, protected by a cursed seal placed there as a warning to anyone who might wake her. The Scoobs roll their eyes and exposition clumsily about "exchange-o boy," whose name is Ampata, arriving at the bus depot the next night.

The Rueful Oboe Of Fifteenth-Century Doom accompanies a cross-fade to later on. Rodney skulks burglarishly near the Styro-tomb, then approaches it and tries to pry the Anthropologie plate out of the mummy's death grip. In the course of yanking the plate free, he breaks it, and therefore the seal also. The mummy's eyes creak open in a "special" effect the Clash of the Titans editing team would have rejected as too fake, and then two Slim Jims shoot up and strangle Rodney into the credits.

Library. Training session. Xander sulks at the table as Buffy asks if she can go to the dance. Giles, holding a kick pad, tells her she can't and reminds her yet again of the whole Chosen-One thing, and Buffy interrupts sarcastically, "Oh, I know this one! 'Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah bitty blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone!'" You know, I didn't find Buffy's "Giles is British and boring" attitude particularly endearing even when these episodes originally aired, and it's an unfortunate side effect of Seasons Six and Seven that I find it utterly insufferable now. In other words, shut up, Buffy. Giles snips at her, and Buffy reels off a string of hard side-kicks to the pad as Giles tries to point out that having an exchange student living with her will make it even harder to keep her identity secret, at which time Xander inserts himself between them and blithers about how the exchange student isn't living with her living with her, blah blah jealous whatever. He stomps off. Buffy disingenuously suggests that going to the dance would help her maintain her cover, and whines at Giles. Giles glares. Buffy raises her leg to deliver another kick, and Giles gives in. "Yay! I win," Buffy perks smugly. Shut up, Buffy.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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