Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Inca Mummy Girl

Episode Report Card
Sars: C | 12 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
Pointless shrivel

Back at the library, the Scoobs ponder aloud what could have happened to Rodney. Xander sarcastically suggests asking Copperfieldo Lamas, but Willow thinks that, given the way C.L. ran off, "he was as freaked as [they] were" when he caught sight of Rodney. Giles doesn't have the resources to say exactly what's going on; the answer, as Buffy points out, is probably in the seal, but it'll take weeks for Giles to translate it. He says he'll start that night, and then Buffy remembers that she's supposed to pick up Ampata at the bus station and she's already late. Xander tries to stop her by prattling about priorities, "Latin lover whose stock in trade is breaking hearts," blah blah transparent whatever. Buffy's all worried that Ampata's there by himself, what if he doesn't speak English, he's from...hey, South America: "Maybe he could translate the seal." Xander blah blah bad Catskills routine whatever.

Bus station. A bus whooshes by, leaving Famous Original Ampata at the curb. He looks around for a moment before hearing a voice call, "Ampaaaata." Greyhound gets a product placement as Famous Original Ampata wanders through the depot, looking for the voice. "Ampaaaata!" As he rounds a parked bus, his eyes widen, and a wad of popsicle sticks and rubber cement found in a trash bin at an elementary school science fair -- I mean, "the mummy" lurches up to Famous Original Ampata, grabs his neck, and Hoovers his life force while a "special" effect turns Famous Original Ampata into brisket.

Fade to the Scoobs arriving at the bus depot and calling for Ampata. Xander asks if he has to speak Spanish, and says he doesn't know any except for "'Doritos' and 'Chihuahua.'" How about estúpido, Xander? Surely you know that one. "Ampata!" Buffy calls again, and a female voice answers, "Here." As Xander's jaw hits the ground and shatters, New And Improved Ampata, Now With 100 Percent More Pantene! emerges from behind a bus, wearing Famous Original Ampata's outfit (but with the button-down shirt tied fetchingly in a knot). "I am Ampata," she says, smoldering at Xander. Xander: "Ay caramba. I can also say that." Xander's erection: "I get my SAG card now, right?"

After the break, Ampata gets the grand tour of the Summers home; as Buffy prattles, Ampata smiles widely, Xander goggles at her, and Willow sadly watches Xander goggling. Aw. Xander does that "talking very loudly and with many hand gestures to the non-English-speaker" thing. Willow does that blatant "we expected a boy, not a girl, and certainly not a girl that Xander would get the hots for" thing. Buffy asks if Ampata's visited America before, and Ampata says that she's "toured" -- Atlanta, Boston, New York -- but when Willow asks what New York was like, Ampata says she didn't get to see much. Yeah, I think we get it. Xander smarms that "your English is very bueno," and Ampata says, "I listen much." "Well, that works out well because I talk much!" Xander burbles. Yeah. Pull up a chair and tell me about it, why don't you. Wait...don't. Anyway, Xander and Ampata laugh very fakely and flirtily as Willow and Buffy exchange "whaaaaatever" looks.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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