Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Real Me

Episode Report Card
Sep: D | 5 USERS: A-
Real Me

In his crypt, Spike is banging on the telly, trying to get better reception. In bursts Buffy, who quickly punches Spike in the nose and demands that he tell her where Harmony is holed up. After another punch, Spike crumbles and reveals that she has a cave in the north woods. Buffy punches him again anyway. "I was telling you the truth," grits Spike. "I know," says Buffy nonchalantly on her way out.

Harmony is pacing in front of a still-chained Dawn, whining about how her fang gang doesn't respect her. Geez! Just bite the poor girl already. There's no reason to torture her. Harmony's tirade is interrupted by the appearance of said gang. Mort tells Harmony that the gang (except for Brad, who abstained) has a new plan, which is to "feed on the girl and kill [Harmony]. Maybe not in that order." Harmony orders the rest of the gang to kill Mort for her, but when they only stand still, Mort advances on her and she sputters excuses. He grabs her by the neck and begins choking her. Cyrus approaches Dawn, who warns him, "Touch me and my sister is going to kill you." He extends a single finger and barely touches her shoulder as they all start cackling. Until a flying fatality embeds itself, uh, fatally into his chest and he poofs into dust. Everyone gapes in surprise. "Can't say she didn't warn him," cracks Buffy. Buffy tells Dawn to close her eyes, and Harmony greets Buffy with, "So Slayer. At last we meet." "We've met, Harmony. You halfwit," retorts Buffy. Peaches and Brad rush Buffy, but they're quickly dispatched. Buffy insults Harmony while Mort creeps up behind her. Buffy and Mort proceed to have the lamest fight in the history of this show, and if you've seen the pilot, that's saying something. Seriously, I've seen more thrilling fights after school in junior high. Eventually, Mort is brought down by Harmony's bad taste as he's impaled on a unicorn's horn. Buffy strides over to Dawn, having picked up Peaches's axe on the way, and frees her as they bicker about who's going to tattle to Joyce first.

At the Summers' home, Buffy and Dawn arrive mere moments before Joyce. In response to Joyce's queries, Buffy lies and says that everything went fine. Dawn heads up to bed.

"Buffy probably would have gotten in way more trouble than me anyway," writes Dawn at the magic shop. She wraps up the loose plot points, and then the camera shifts to focus on Buffy and Giles. Buffy worries that Giles isn't up to the task of running the shop, what with the high mortality rate and a lack of business experience. "I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they never return." Ha! Oh, and please ignore my pile of overdue books in the corner. Besides, Giles has to start paying off that Beemer -- I don't think a Watcher's severance package is that generous. Giles continues, "And it will prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours." Giles proceeds to the back of the store as Buffy comments that he must have been exceedingly bored last year. "I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it," reveals Giles. Bwa! Buffy follows him around the corner into the back, but has to come back two or three times to micromanage Dawn some more. Dawn voice-overs, "She still thinks I'm little miss nobody. Just her dumb little sister. Boy is she in for a surprise." Typical teen posturing or nefarious double meaning? We'll see in the weeks to come. And I hope Giles renames the shop. I mean, The Magic Box?

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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