Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Episode Report Card
Sep: C- | 1 USERS: A+

Cut back to the demon dimension -- I mean, "a soundstage somewhere in L.A." The Eye of Botox is explaining that The First Evil cannot be fought or killed and will endure longer than the universe itself. What a fun, upbeat guy. I'm thinking that he got sentenced to spend an eternity in a windy, dark dimension where nobody could hear his ramblings because he was such a drag at parties. Giles, all windblown hair, screams, "I refuse to believe that!" Well, it's good to see Giles believing in something after that awful Roboto Giles from the last episode. "What am I, talkin' to myself here? There's no way!" snarks the Eye of Botox. Anya seems to take this answer at face value and begins to pull Giles away. Based on Anya's apprehension and Giles's description of this as a "dark dimension," I was thinking that this place might in some way be scary. But no. All Giles meant is that someone forgot to pay the power bill. Words have no power to suggest anything beyond their meaning now. "Dark" means nothing but "lack of light. And incredibly windy for no good reason." Giles is not so easily deterred, though, and stops Anya with a gesture. He asks if The First will find success in its quest to eliminate the line of the chosen ones. But "the eye sees not the future. Only the truth of the now and before." "We've all got that," grouses Anya. "It's called memory!" Hee. Anya is one of the few bright spots in this show for me. Giles wants to know why The First is just now getting around to making its move. Well. Who among us has not known the evils of procrastination? Maybe The First is just the worst procrastinator in the world. "The opportunity has only recently presented itself," replies the Eye of Botox, carrying on the time-honored tradition of mystical oracles everywhere by giving JUST enough information to technically answer the question, but without providing any insight at all. Giles is smarter than that, though, and questions the oracle further; he gets a spiel about how "the mystical forces surrounding the chosen line have become irrevocably altered. Become unstable. Vulnerable." Giles, understandably, wants to know what is responsible for this vulnerability. "The Slayer," ominously replies the Eye of Botox.

Remember how The Muppet Show ruled so much that you probably would have stepped over your dead brother to watch it, so you were understandably excited about the cartoon Muppet Babies, but then you watched it, and even at age nine you knew that it blew goats? Yeah. That's how I feel about Buffy now that we've got all of these Slayer Babies lounging around and whining all the time. If they continue to arrive, I hope the new ones can't speak English. It's almost as if they're throwing them against the wall to see who sticks and can therefore be tapped for any potential spin-off. Blech. The only place I'm interested in seeing this show spin off to is the fiery depths of hell. So. Over at The Proto-Slayer Preschool For Whiners And Grousers, there's a roundtable discussion going on in the dining room. Miss Minnesota thinks that they should run. Buffy's opinion is that it's safer inside than outside. "How can you say that? It was here, Buffy. In the house. Livin' wif us for days!" bursts out Molly. "And you didn't even know it!" reprimands Chloe. First of all, NONE of you knew pathetic little whiners noticed it either, despite spending more time with First Eve-il than Buffy, and secondly, The First can't take corporeal form. It's not like it could have slit your throats in the night. "It could still be here," panics Miss Minnesota. "It could be any one of us!" Okay. Everyone turn to her neighbor and smack the shit out of her. Sounds like a simple enough solution to me. Willow reminds the pack of whiny babies that The First is limited to appearing as someone that has previously died. Rona dryly observes that there'll be plenty enough forms for The First to take soon enough. All the babies start babbling at once, the noise in the room rising to a deafening din. The only good thing is that I can't hear individual comments and get disgusted by them.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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