Buffy the Vampire Slayer
What's My Line?, Part I

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: B | 4 USERS: B
Eat Your Heart Out, Tonya Harding

We're greeted by a large banner proclaiming, "Career Fair starts tomorrow." If this were The Simpsons, there would be some clever small print under it such as "'Coping With Unemployment' seminar today." Only, you know, clever. In the foreground, an enthusiastic-looking Willow signs up for something, then goes to join Buffy and Xander, who are filling out questionnaires at a table. Xander mulls over a question. "What if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?" I'd suggest checking the box marked "loser," but Buffy more tactfully counsels "none of the above," which does seem like a meta comment on Xander's role on the show. He bitches that this little test won't be able to gauge what they're going to do for the rest of their lives. It's not a binding contract or anything, dude. Quit whining before I start calling you "Dawn." In fact, since I don't get to harsh on Dawn often enough, I'm going to use her name as a verb in this recap. Willow's characteristically psyched to find out her career track, but Xander complains (Dawns) that it takes the fun out of being young and stupid. "I'd rather live in the dark." One Basement of Debasement, coming up! Willow points out that he won't always be young, but Xander "jokes" that he'll always be stupid, then waits for someone to contradict him. Sorry, Xander -- in the hurly-burly of life today, I have to hold on to what few certainties I have, okay? Cordy's voice cuts in as she verbalizes one of the test questions. As usual, she's got a new set of minions who, I'd expect their Career Week test results to indicate, are best cut out for mime. Xander typically says something to Cordy and gets bitch-slapped for his trouble. See, Xander? You're so stupid that classical conditioning doesn't even work on you. Buffy wonders aloud whether she like shrubs, but Xander tells her that's between her and her God. Heh. Buffy Dawns that the test is moot for her anyway because of the whole Slayer thing. Willow inquires why she's taking it, and I find it hard to believe that this little exercise isn't mandatory, but Buffy says that Principal Snyder is forcing her. Willow nicely asks if she's not a little curious what kind of career she's most fit for, but Buffy snits at her not to go there. Buffy, I sympathize with your whole Chosen One thing, but messing with Old Willow is a quick way to find your ass hermetically sealed by my foot. Also, just being the Slayer isn't exactly gainful employment, as Season Six was so "kind" as to show us. Don't you think you might need a real job someday? So, in conclusion, shut up. Xander suggests that her attitude would be appropriate for a career at the DMV, which gives me an opportunity to get back to The Simpsons, since it's been half a page already. The thought of Buffy chain-smoking and bitching beside Patty and Selma makes me laugh. Buffy apologizes, but reite-Dawns that her future is a non-issue.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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