Gilmore Girls
Dear Emily And Richard

Episode Report Card
Pamie: C- | 4 USERS: A
Flashback Scenes, Yea or Nay?

So, it's a Beanie Baby party now. I guess it's after 4. Lorelai and Rory carry about thirty Beanie Babies out of the Jeep. I guess that's supposed to just be enough. And why is it a Beanie Baby retirement party? Do people still collect those things? Lorelai tells Rory to hold her breath so that this party theme takes. Rory asks how Sookie's supposed to plan a Beanie Baby menu. "Lots of beans," Lorelai answers. Rory says that this is ridiculous. Lorelai says there are times in your life when you have to do ridiculous things for money. I'll consider that a shout-out. Lorelai says that if you're Adrian Zmed, that includes everything that ever happens in your career. The girls have carried the Beanie Babies home, for reasons that are so unimportant we aren't told. There's a box on the front porch of their house. Rory swears she didn't order any new books from Amazon. The box is from Emily. "It's heavy," Lorelai says. "Must be her hopes and dreams for me." Lorelai opens her unlocked front door and walks inside.

Lorelai and Rory walk into their house. Lorelai tells Rory to drop the Beanies by the door. Rory does. The box is filled with travel books from Richard's study. They're books about fancy hotels in Europe from the '70s and '80s. Lorelai says this'll help a tremendous amount in the planning of their trip. She asks Rory if she wants to go see the Berlin Wall. She says she remembers these books from when she was a kid. She says she's pretty sure she's the only person in the house who ever read them.

Whoa! This sudden realization is causing a flashback! Hold on to your hats, kids, because we're going into sepia tones! I absolutely do not understand the thought process that went into the casting of young Lorelai and young Christopher, who will now be referred to as Borelai and Christophake. They're both really, really, really, really, really, really, r-e-a-l-l-y, bad actors. I mean, bad actors. Six burgers. Three with cheese -- two cheddar, one Swiss bad actors. Every line sounds like they're standing on a stage and we're at high-school dinner theater eating stringy lasagna pretending to really enjoy this production of Same Time Next Year put on by two virgins who have no idea what real pain is yet. These kids yell and shout their lines like we might not realize how young they're supposed to be. And the lines are written for grown-up Lorelai and Christopher, so they sound like all of the horribleness of Igby Goes Down with all of the bad acting of Crossroads. Loud does not mean emotion, you young actors out there. Especially when you're not on stage. I think Christophake is actually just a tiny bit Asian. Borelai has a really annoying nasal quality to her voice that gets right under your skin and makes you quiver when she talks. She's so Princess-y. Ugh! I hate it! Borelai goes through a huge song and dance about taking her sweater off and dropping it on the floor just to make sure that Emily isn't home. Where's her maid? Fired. Why? Well, it's hard to understand Borelai, and when I repeat her lines my eyes bleed, but from the best I can tell, Sophia the maid was fired because "she touched the backfire unicorn." And really, haven't we all? The kids realize they're all alone, so the go straight to the booze. Well, I guess it's no secret how Rory came to be, huh? Borelai says "Hear, hear!" a few times, as Christophake pours her a glass of baby-making sauce. And here we have the word "cherry," as Borelai asks for one in her drink. I'm telling you, "cherry" is the new "amazing." Borelai reads from the same travel book that future Lorelai is daydreaming over. Borelai complains about her parents' fabulous vacations all around the world where they stay in exotic locations only to talk to people from America. Christophake and Borelai drink their booze. Christophake tells Borelai he's decided he's not going to go to college. He says he's going to backpack in Europe for a year. He hasn't told his parents yet. He says it doesn't matter, and that he's out of here as soon as he gets his diploma. He tells Lorelai that she's going with him. I guess she doesn't get to go to college? Well, it is a boy telling her what to agrees to go. What's with Borelai's tiny tie? It looks like punctuation. Borelai and Christophake kiss on their bad plans, and boom -- Borelai's pregnant. That's how it works, kids, in case nobody told you. You get pregnant by kissing boys who tell you what to do.

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Gilmore Girls




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