Gilmore Girls
Go, Bulldogs!

Episode Report Card
Al Lowe: C- | Grade It Now!

In the world's tiniest lecture hall, a bunch of parents are gathered to hear this esteemed physicist talk about exploding supernovas. For reasons we can't fathom -- since we've been repeatedly reminded that Christopher is an undereducated wastrel -- Chris is attempting to listen with interest while Lorelai bitches about her parents getting to have dinner with Rory instead of them. "My parents have got a lot of nerve," she says. "That's one thing they've got, is nerve. They should put it to good use. Start a knife-throwing contest or something." She sighs. "I mean," she goes on, as Chris tries to quiet her down, "they get dinner and we get lunch? Lunch is such a booby prize!" She texts Rory to complain that she didn't give them the 411 on the elder Gilmores. In a split-second, Rory somehow writes back that she assumed they knew the Grandparents would also be there. Chris shushes Lorelai for reporting all of this while the lecture is going on. "Something else is happening in the universe," the professor says, continuing his lecture, "that is counteracting the force of gravity; and that's what we call 'dark energy.'" Exactly, Dr. Anvil. I quite agree. When Lorelai suggests they go to the fancy French place for lunch saying she's heard they have a crème brulee to die for, Chris agrees, just to get her to shut up. She makes the date with Rory. When the lecture is over, he raises his hand during the question period to ask a question. "How can we tell," he asks, "whether dark energy is the cosmological constant?" Lorelai is suitably impressed that he knows any of those words.

Back at the Inn, Sookie is having a crisis of faith over the new vegetables, which she is using to make a ratatouille. "Just because Lorelai's away," Michel says, "does not mean that I am obligate to leesten to your incessant prattling." And yet, Sookie prattles on. It would be wrong, she says, to waste the vegetables just because they aren't Jackson's. Michel says he won't listen to any of these problems unless she calls him Captain, and even when she agrees, he decides that it wasn't worth it. I must say, in this episode, I'd rather listen to Sookie have a full-on vegetable stroke than hear another word from Lorelai about...anything. And I love Lorelai! Y'all know I do! But not tonight. Tonight, I want to kick her.

Luke arrives back at the diner after his swim lesson to find Kirk preparing to break up with Lulu. "I owe it all to you, buddy," Kirk says, going on that he is inspired that Luke is a free man, slave to no master. "You come home at 3 in the morning, no one cares," he says. "You want to eat dessert for dinner, no one cares. You walk around in your tube socks and tightie-whites, no one cares! No one cares what you do, or where you go!" Luke isn't looking like he feels too great about this conversation, especially when Kirk asks him to be his wingman. Which is bad enough, but really capped off when Kirk goes fully Top Gun, grabbing up a spoon to use as a mic, singing "You've Lost that Loving Feeling." Somehow, Luke does not vomit. Rather, he takes Kirk by the shoulder and gives him a long-time-coming man-to-man. "Listen, you pinhead," he says. "You should be kissing the ground the Lulu walks on. Why that sweet girl lets you within a hundred miles of her, is beyond me. You are the luckiest man on the planet to have a girl like that looking out for you and caring about you, and if you say so much as one unkind word to her, I will personally break every bone in your body. You got me?" With that, he turns, grabs the swim coach's number out of his bag, and heads to the phone. Go, Luke! I mean, not to the swim coach, but whatever, it's a start. While you're at it, if you beat up Kirk just for fun, that would be fine!

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Gilmore Girls




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