Gilmore Girls
Go, Bulldogs!

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Suddenly, the pagers and phones of the whole table go off. Rory reads that a group of students protesting the war have taken over the president's office, and that this means they'll need to cover it and rework their whole edition. Another staff member gets a text with a photo attached. "It looks like they're wearing George Bush masks," she says, "and...are those Condoleezza Rice masks?" Paris: "They make Condoleezza masks?" Rory apologizes to her parents but says they've all got to go and cover the story. She starts handing out orders, but the staff is resistant, knowing that they'll miss the crème brulee. "What if I get hit by lightening tonight," Bill of the controversial haircut asks, "and die a crème brulee virgin?" Sheila: "A crème brulee virgin?" Good one. Rory has to get tough. "Get your drunk, crème brulee-craving asses out of these chairs," she says, "and let's get to work." They all stagger out, boozed up, just as the crème brulee arrives.

That night at Luke's apartment, Lane has come over to sit with April while Luke gets ready to go out with Coach Bennett. April's already beating Lane at chess, so confidently that she announces that Lane's not very good. "Tell it like it is, sister," Lane says, when April apologizes for being blunt. She says that anyway, when they get their Boggle on, she'll be ready for her. "I've been studying my seven-letter words that sound made up, but aren't," Lane says. "Palfrey! P-a-l-f-r-e-y! It's a saddle horse, for a woman." I am going to remember that, for real. Last time I played Boggle was with Pamie and Stee, and I'm over there writing words down like "cat, hat, hate, scat," and they're all "refrigerator, encyclopedia, photosynthesis." They smoked me. Luke, on his way out, says that he shouldn't be more than a couple of hours; he and Coach Bennett are going out for you know, dinner and some talking. "Well, it would be weird," April points out, "if it were dinner and no talking." She adds that Luke should call Coach Bennett Susan, since that's her name. Nervous, Luke heads out while Lane shifts uncomfortably on the couch.

Luke and Coach Bennett are led to their table at the restaurant. "Oh, no," Coach B. says when Luke goes to sit across from her, "come sit with me. It's cozier!" Luke must really, really need to get laid, because he agrees. I know for a fact that all men hate that. Also, is it just me, or is Coach Bennett a voice on The Simpsons? Whoever she is, she deserves an Emmy for this scene. She's got "crazy eyes" that rival even Anne Heche at her best (worst). As Luke shudders at the all vegan menu, she quizzes him on who, alive or dead, would best play him in Luke Danes: The Movie. She obviously does not know him well enough to know that the answer is Walter Matthau. (My grandmother pronounces his name "Walter Mattoo," by the way. I know. It kills me.) Coach Bennett says that she, herself, would be played by Marlene Dietrich. Luke is embarrassed to say he doesn't know who that is. She insists that he does. He says that no, he really doesn't, and she proceeds to do the worst (best) Marlene Dietrich impression I have ever seen. "'Your husband,'" she quotes, "would rather be cheated by me, than married to YOU!'" Luke is doing his best to back away from the crazy, but she continues to move in. "My last boyfriend, The Ex," she says, ramping up the looniness, "he was always calling me MARLENE..." She pauses, clearing the cobwebs of madness from her brain, saying that since her ex was so psycho -- "PSYCHO" -- she swore she'd never date another single dad. "But," she says, smiling coyly, "here I am. You hooked me!" Luke looks like he is dying. "Well, you know what they say," the nutbar adds, terrifying him further. "Third time's a charm." Coach Bennett saved this ep from total failure.

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Gilmore Girls

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