Sue Sylvester, having evidently plummeted into an abyss of depression after her nationwide humiliation at the hands of that wretched hag Diane Sawyer, attempts to overdose on an entire jar of Vitamin A gummy tablets, prompting an intervention from Will and Emma, who suggest she sit in on a few glee club sessions in order to regain a sense of purpose in her life, or something like that. Of course, Sue's evident depression and subsequent failed OD are both just part of a dastardly plot on her part to infiltrate New Directions so she might destroy the group from within, primarily by playing upon the children's insecurities to set them at each others' throats. She initially targets Mercedes and Rachel, and at first, everything seems to be going according to plan. Unfortunately, Mercedes and Rachel's ensuing Battle Of The Divas ends up gifting each young lady with a newfound appreciation for the other's talents, so Sue eventually drops the sad-sack routine to inform Will she's taken a part-time position as Aural Intensity's mentor, so the two groups' impending showdown at Regionals promises to be interesting, to say the very least.
Meanwhile, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen has been harboring many, many doubts about the stability of his relationship with Quinn in the wake of last week's mononucleosis-related hijinks, so he brainstorms for a bit and reaches the obvious conclusion that no adolescent female can resist the siren call of the original Biebs himself. To that end, he forms a one-man Justin Bieber tribute band he calls -- wait for it -- "The Justin Bieber Experience" and, within seconds of debuting his new act in the music room, he's got every single one of The Glee Gals pelting him with underwear. Artie, Puck and Gaylord Weiner quickly decide they want in on the action, mainly because their significant others have fallen into a predictable post-Valentine's slump as far as their interest in romance is concerned, and the wild success of the Bieb-tastic quartet soon has the various members of every relevant couple dry-humping each other again just like the Good Lord intended.
Well, except for Puck and Lauren, of course, because Lauren's still playing hard-to-get. She does, however, enlist Puck's aid in helping her overcome an uncharacteristic bit of stage fright before her very first solo glee club performance. Armed with a particularly sage bit of advice from her besotted would-be paramour, Lauren proceeds to unleash an enthusiasm so infectious during her rendition of an early-'80s classic that the number proves to be one of the evening's highlights. Especially when she motorboats Artie.
In other news, the magnificent Santana Lopez exacts yet another portion of her revenge upon Quinn by convincing Sam to break up with her, and Rachel's attempt to stage a comeback backfires when... oh, you're just going to have to wait for the recap for that bit, because there's no way I can explain that particular slice of insanity in five words or less.
Featuring two songs I'll not be linking to in this recaplet because I detest the very idea of the...the...the thing responsible for them, as performed by Lady Lips, Gaylord, Artie, and Puck; "Take Me Or Leave Me" from Rent, as performed by Rachel and Mercedes; "I Know What Boys Like" by The Waitresses, as performed by Lauren, with a crucial assist from a scantily clad Puck; and "Sing" from My Chemical Romance, as performed by an aggressively plaid New Directions, accompanied by an equally aggressively plaid Sue.
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"I actually learned something in my Spanish class today," Will's voiceover informs us as the camera fades up on him obliviously scrawling "Regresar" across the whiteboard in the front of the room while Finn, Puck, and Gaylord Weiner engage themselves in a spirited spitball battle not ten feet behind his back. The naughty boys instantly knock it off with the antic physical activity and adopt beatific expressions of angelic innocence when Mr. Schue turns to face them, of course, but that's not important right now, because attention must instead be paid to Mr. Schue's mind-boggling realization. "Regresar," he reads from the whiteboard with an appropriate and -- dare I say? -- musical trilling of Rs before asking the class, "Who knows what that means?" Nobody knows what that means, of course, so Mr. Schue answers his own question with an overexcited, "To come back!" As Mr. Schue beams at his decidedly uninterested students and launches himself into a mini-lecture none in the audience can hear, Will's voiceover kicks back in to exult, "That's right: I realized the old Will Schuester was back! Glee club's going to Regionals, we got all of Sue's Cheerios money, I'm past Terri, and I'm over Emma!" On cue, everyone's favorite obsessive-compulsive bursts through the classroom door in a wide-eyed tizzy. "It's an emergency!" Emma gasps once she's caught Will's attention, and with that, the two hustle off through the halls towards...
...Sue's office, where Emma breathlessly explains, "Becky Jackson opened Sue's journal and found this!" Emma flips to the appropriate page, which screams, "GOOD BYE CRUEL WORLD." "She could be dead by now!" Emma frets. The camera travels with Will's eyes to take in the scrawled note on the facing page, which reads as follows: "Yes, Losers. I'm committing Sue-icide." Title card.
Sue Sylvester's All-Sport Trophy Emporium. Will and Emma tiptoe through the unlocked front door and, as Imelda is nowhere to be seen, they continue down the main hall to the bedroom, where they find an apparently unconscious Sue lying prone atop her duvet with several large and empty plastic bottles placed artfully around her body. Will immediately starts slapping away at Sue's face while Emma frantically realizes, "She doesn't have a pulse!" "Yeah, I do," Sue smiles, popping open her eyes as she springs up into sitting position, much to the shock and surprise of her would-be rescuers. "I just stopped my own heart," Sue casually explains, attributing that particular skill to her "CIA training" before grumping, "These Gummi vitamins didn't work at all!" For yes, those large and empty plastic bottles placed artfully around Sue's body actually contained nothing more than a few hundred delightfully tasty dietary supplements in a variety of natural colors and flavors. Sue'd been under the misapprehension that, if you take enough Vitamin A, "you drift off into a blissful oblivion." Unfortunately, all she got out of the experience was a flushed face and a sore jaw, thanks to all that chewing.
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