Episode Report Card
110 USERS: B-
"What A Treacly, Stomach-Turning Waste Of Everybody's Time."
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Snap open deep within the abhorrent confines of Café Contrivance. Santana Lopez slaps a tab down on one of her tables and starts to saunter over towards the counter when some clearly racist tourist loudly complains -- in broken Spanish, no less -- about the state of her order. Santana obviously (and justifiably) would like to tear this woman a new one, but she instead bites her tongue and calmly whisks the troll-woman's plate back to the kitchen as a ridiculously overexcited Rachel bubbles on over from points elsewhere to giggle, "Okay, I was certain you were gonna go all Lima Heights-adjacent and just throw those eggs on that lady's face!" "I need this job," Santana grits by way of response, adding, "I'm saving up to buy a noose, to hang myself with," and oh, honey: Why buy new when you can just borrow from Martha Dumptruck?

In any event, this of course leads to a little heart-to-heart between the two gals wherein Santana bemoans her sorry lot in life for a moment before they finally get to the real point of their conversation, at least as far as this particular episode is concerned: "It's okay to complain to me," Rachel assures her. "It means we're friends!" "I just have this weird guilt-trip thing about being friends with you," Santana admits, "because I was so awful to you in high school." "It's fine," Rachel insists, promising, "I forgive you!" while pointing out that their time at McKinley High is well in the past, and that they're all best buddies now. Santana continues to mope that she's "crapping the bed" as far as her higher aspirations are concerned, so Rachel decides to cheer her up by inviting her to a Funny Girl-related cover shoot for New York magazine. "There's gonna be models," Rachel quite literally squeals, "and I think I have enough juice to ask if you can be one of them!" "You can get your hair done," she continues, "and your nails and your makeup, and there's all these free clothes -- are you in?" "Hells, yes!" Santana grins, and after the two merrily marvel at the unlikely yet happy fact of their incredibly stable and mature post-high school relationship, Santana tops it all off by sighing, "You're a really good friend!" So, we all know these two are gonna be clawing away at each other's throat within the next ten minutes, right? Of course right. Also: This evening's title card.

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