Glee, Actually

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 1 USERS: A+
Batshit, Actually
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

"Dear Journal," Sue's Voiceover begins as the camera gradually focuses in on a carefully arranged line of festive votives blazing away merrily atop her desk. It hops around to take in the comforting sight of Coach Sylvester herself, happily penning these very words into her diary whilst surrounded by the sparkly seasonal garlands with which she's festooned her office as her voiceover continues, "It's Christmas again -- that time of year when parents aren't arrested for forcing their children to sit on an old man's weirdly hot lap." Sue's Voiceover then proceeds to get all meta on our collective behinds by also calling Christmas "that magical season when five seemingly separate storylines are cleverly sandwiched between commercial breaks and then tied together at the end like a beautiful bow." "Like that movie, Love Actually," Sue's Voiceover decides, adding, "which I don't think anyone really cares for, and yet it is constantly on cable." And as I am one of those people who don't really care for Love Actually, to the point where I've never actually seen it and absolutely never want to, I'll decide not to decide whether Sue's Voiceover is making any sense at all with that assertion, and instead follow along as we leap forward into...

...this evening's title card, whose letters are bedecked with a string of buzzing and blinking Christmas tree lights. Fun!

A set of terribly ominous sleigh bells rattles out what sounds like a jingly dirge on the soundtrack right before the heavily bruised knuckles on Artie's left hand fill the screen, and that spritely dirge continues in the background as the camera cuts to take in Artie's scraped-up and tear-streaked face while he wheels himself over to his locker deep within The Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. To be honest with you, the instant I saw that cut on his cheek, I was dead certain it meant Artie would now be getting a Very Special Boollying Episode of his very own, and I was thus all ready to start calling him "St. Cripple Of Lima" from here on out, but it turns out he just took a nasty spill on an indifferently-salted access ramp out by the school's parking lot. Thank God. Frankenteen lumbers up from out of nowhere to wonder what gives and, after Artie's filled him in on the whole humiliating situation, Bloaty The Gravy Clown insists upon escorting poor Artie to the nurse's office.

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