With Rachel still under suspension for pulling a Putin during last week's student council elections, and in light of the still-stinging defections of Mercedes, Santana, and Brit-Brit to the warm embrace of Idina Menzel's nurturing lady-choir, the children of New Directions face Sectionals well short of the full complement of choristers required for competition. A couple of the dangerously shaggy-haired boys from The Ever-Mute McKinley High Jazz Ensemble get corralled to fill out the group's thin ranks -- which is fine because, hey, they're always in that goddamned music room, anyway -- but Frankenteen's certain only one person can propel the Glee Club past The Troubletones to secure a victory: Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen. Because he's been following Trouty Mouth on Facebook, Finn knows the kid's now living in the Kentucky-side suburbs of Cincinnati, so he and Rachel embark upon a road trip to convince Lady Lips to return to Lima. And even though Lady Lips is currently making bank performing as "White Chocolate" in Newport's finest ladies-only supper club, Stallionz, he of course quickly gains permission from his father, Bo Duke, to transfer back to McKinley in time for the big performance. No, really -- they actually got Bo Duke to play Trouty Mouth's dad.
Naturally, Lady Lips is welcomed with open arms and top-full Solo cups by everyone in Lima, with the notable exception of St. Gay's boyfriend, the latter of whom firmly believes Frankenteen dragged Lady Lips back into the fold only to further marginalize the former prep-school star. So, Dreamboat Blaine and Frankenteen have it out during the course of a too-brief screamy verbal slapfight in the locker room -- and seriously, I really wanted Blaine to tear Finn a new one à la my lesbian TV girlfriend Santana Lopez during that argument -- but they end up agreeing to be best buddies, or something, for the sake of the team.
In other news, Quinn threatens to tell Figgins about Idina and Puck, but Rachel talks her out of it, so Quinn decides to apply to Yale instead, Single-T Tina brokers a reconciliation between Gaylord Weiner and High Expectations Asian Father regarding Gaylord's whole "God, I'm a dancer! And a dancer dances!" thing, and Sebastian The Predatory Homosexual's designs on Dreamboat Blaine bring out a feisty, feral, and fabulously fun side of Kurt that I thought we'd never see again.
Oh, and New Directions wins Sectionals. I'm sure you're as shocked as I am by this entirely unexpected development.
Featuring Toby Keith's "Red Solo Cup," as performed by Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen and various of the Glee Clubbers; "Buenos Aires" from Evita, as performed by The Unitards of Defiance, Ohio, who came in third during this evening's competition; a somewhat uncomfortable blend of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" and "Survivor" by Destiny's Child, as performed by the lesbionically tangoing gals of Idina Menzel's nurturing lady-choir, with Mercedes and Santana sharing lead; The Jackson 5's "ABC," here offered as New Directions' first Sectionals performance, with solos by Single-T Tina, Quinn, Gaylord, and St. Gay Of Lima; Janet Jackson's "Control," here offered as New Directions' second Sectionals performance, with solos from Quinn, Dreamboat Blaine, and Artie; famous dead alleged child molester Michael Jackson's "Man In The Mirror," here offered as New Directions' third Sectionals performance, with solos from Artie, Frankenteen, Puck, Dreamboat Blaine, and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen; and "We Are Young" by Fun and Janelle Monáe, as performed by, like, everyone and their mom.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!
The camera fades up in the middle of one of McKinley High's hallways and waits there until Quinn decides to sidle into the frame from points elsewhere, whereupon she tosses a side-eye full of intrigue and wickedness in the general direction of the lockers. The shot expands so we can see she's carefully observing Rachel and, after a moment, Quinn strides over to Rachel's side with a too-bright, "I thought you weren't allowed here!" As you'll recall, Rachel got her damn fool self suspended last week after futilely attempting to pull a Putin with the boring student council election that nobody will ever care about again, so her presence in the hallway does seem a bit odd until she speed-babbles her way through an explanation that involves picking up her homework, or whatever. But that's not really important at this early juncture, and neither is her subsequent and somewhat high-handed offer of vocal coaching in advance of this evening's Sectionals performances, for the devious Quinn's chosen this very moment to inform Rachel of her plan to get Idina Menzel fired. "She's sleeping with Puck!" Quinn reveals in an exaggerated whisper, like she's telling us something we don't already know, as if anyone could possibly have forgotten about that particularly gruesome plot development over the last seven days.
Quite naturally, Rachel is shocked and appalled, though not because she just found out her birth mother is banging her ex-boyfriend. No, our dear little star-in-the-making is actually worried that Idina will lose both her current job and her general reputation as an effective educator should Quinn spread news of her tawdry affair throughout the school -- which, you know: Fair worry -- which in turn will result in a sudden and dramatic drop in Dismal Drizzle's standard of living -- which, you know: To hell with that goddamned kid. This argument of Rachel's, however, is utterly lost on Quinn, who's still laboring under the delusion that Child Services will grant her custody of the strangely affectless brat in question should Idina get carted off to Mommy Jail. Rachel correctly insists that Idina is Dismal Drizzle's real mother now, and follows that assertion up with the following: "You've done a lot of really bad things, Quinn, but if you tell people about this, you'll be ruining that little girl's life, and then you'll have really hit rock-bottom!" I'd remark that Quinn won't actually hit rock-bottom until she's a meth-addled hooker working the mid-morning shift at one of Greater Lima's finer truck stops, but it's time for the title card, so I think I'll keep that observation to myself.
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