Welcome back! So, anything interesting happen over the summer? No need to answer that question right this very instant, of course -- after all, we've got lots and lots and lots of time to catch each other up on various recent events over the next couple of weeks, am I right? Of course I'm right. So, let's get to it:
In Ohio: Even though we're still in the middle of last season's school year -- which means it's supposed to be January, mind you, in Ohio -- Dreamboat Blaine invites his Brooklyn-based ex-boyfriend out onto the McKinley High Lanai for a little light luncheon, during which the ever-suffering St. Gay of Lima agrees to possibly perhaps consider maybe dating his hometown honey again. Maybe. Dreamboat Blaine, of course, decides this means St. Gay would have zero problems accepting that engagement ring they so heavily teased the last time we saw all of these bozos, so he enlists the aid of the remaining kiddies in The New New Directions plus various members of such past Glee Club rivals as The Dalton Academy Swallows, Carmel High's Vocal Adrenaline and the gang at The Haverbrook School For The Deaf for the massive blowout of a proposal he's pretty much been planning from the moment St. Gay initially broke up with him last October. Fortunately for absolutely no one but Dreamboat Blaine, St. Gay accepts.
In New York: Old Idiot Rachel arrives at her Funny Girl callback to discover the revival's being directed by a heretofore unseen Peter Facinelli. Rather than spinning immediately on her pert little heel to walk -- nay, fly away from what's certain to be a theatrical disaster of utterly epic proportions, she instead remains to read through a few playful little scenes with her supposed Nicky Arnstein, and to say it does not go well might be something of an understatement. Undeterred, The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway later confronts her would-be director and costar under the most contrived of circumstances, but by episode's end, it remains unclear whether the part is hers or not.
In Other News: Pretty Kitty and Artie go public with their relationship that I totally forgot was happening until just now and still totally don't care about at all, most of the remaining Glee Guys take it upon themselves to rescue Single-T Tina -- again, some more -- from her increasingly embittered ways, and Coach Sylvester successfully connives to replace The Maharishi as McKinley High's acting principal. In other words: Business as usual.
Featuring eight -- eight! -- mainly early-album songs from The Beatles, including "Yesterday," as performed by a lonely Old Idiot Rachel on the cruelly indifferent streets of New York; "Drive My Car," as performed by Artie and Pretty Kitty at a pop-up carnival of some sort; "Got To Get You Into My Life," as performed by St. Gay Of Lima and Dreamboat Blaine amid the balmy wintertime breezes of McKinley High's outdoor plaza; "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away," as again performed by Artie and Pretty Kitty, this time under the foil stars of the school's impressively equipped astronomy laboratory; "Help!," as performed by Dreamboat Blaine and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen whilst traveling approximately 460 miles around the state of Ohio; "A Hard Day's Night," as performed by Old Idiot Rachel and Santana Lopez during those most contrived of circumstances mentioned above; "I Saw Her Standing There," as performed by most of the remaining Glee Guys on the stage of The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion; and "All You Need Is Love," as performed by Dreamboat Blaine and a cast of thousands within the ever-expansive halls of stately Dalton Academy.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We open on an overhead shot of The Horrible Hooker of Broadway striding down a brilliantly-lit West 44th Street in Manhattan towards The St. James Theatre, where a team of workmen are just now installing a set of temporary banners advertising this show's impending Funny Girl revival. We then cut down to focus in on Old Idiot Rachel's face as she tilts her head back to positively beam up at the theater's freshly-decorated marquee, and if she's at all nervous about the callback she's arrived for, she's showing absolutely no sign of it. Of course, this means she's gonna totally blow her audition straight to hell.
She promptly proceeds to do just that the instant we cut to the theater's interior. The Horrible Hooker's onstage with her presumed Nicky -- an established Tony winner named "Paolo," here portrayed by none other than Horatio Hornblower himself -- reading the early scene where Fanny invites Mr. Arnstein back to her Henry Street digs for a family-and-friends after-party following her Follies debut. Old Idiot Rachel's made the rather unfortunate choice of mimicking Barbra Streisand's line readings from the movie, rather than creating her own interpretation of the role. She barely completes three of her lines before the revival's director -- the heretofore unseen Peter Facinelli, and that's not a good sign at all, because Peter Facinelli sucks -- calls a halt to the proceedings with a calculatedly even-sounding, "Thank you, Rachel. That was lovely." Horatio Hornblower shoots Peter Facinelli a look and hastily retreats to a nearby chair to fiddle intently with his trusty product-placed smartphone. Meanwhile, Rachel's confidence visibly collapses before our very eyes, and she squeaks out a weak little, "That's it?" "All I needed to see," Peter Facinelli replies, dismissively enough. To her credit, Rachel quickly regains her composure and crosses to thank Horatio Hornblower for his time and talent, then further diminishes her already minuscule professional stature in the eyes of her would-be costar by gushing all over his recent appearance in a revival of Camelot like some batshit fangirl.
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