On My Way

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 6 USERS: B
F Me Gently With A Chainsaw
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

The Lima Bean. Idiot Rachel and St. Gay Of Lima sit at one of the tables, blissfully sipping at their nonfat mochas while flipping through The Knot Book Of Wedding Lists until Sebastian The Predatory Homosexual oozes on up to greet them like so: "Well, well, well! If it isn't a young Barbra Streisand and an old Betty White!" "Where is Gay Cyclops?" he goes on to wonder. "Still trying to stumble his way in?" And with the bitchtastic preliminaries thus so pleasantly dispensed, Sebastian The Predatory Homosexual wastes little time getting to the point of his unexpected visit, which is the engagement present he's procured for Idiot Rachel: A blatantly Photoshopped eight-by-ten of Frankenteen, who's seen sporting a cunning pair of flaming red pumps and absolutely nothing else.

Naturally, both Idiot Rachel and St. Gay Of Lima are shocked and appalled, but wait! There's more! If Idiot Rachel does not drop out of Regionals immediately, Sebastian The Predatory Homosexual will upload the photo "and dozens just like it" to The Wide Wide World Of Web, thereby besmirching Frankenteen's heretofore immaculate reputation forever. "That is show-choir terrorism!" Idiot Rachel screeches. "You give a bad name to the entire gay community," St. Gay huffily sniffs. "And you give the gay community cutting-edge fashion that's usually only seen on Puerto Rican Pride floats," Sebastian witheringly retorts. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you!" St. Gay sings. "I was distracted by your giant horse teeth!" Unfortunately, rather than continuing with this delightful exchange of witty barbs, Sebastian The Predatory Homosexual chooses instead simply to repeat his earlier threat, and after the camera swoops in for an extreme close-up on Idiot Rachel's spectacularly dumb-looking expression of horror and dismay, we hit this evening's title card.

Music room. At some point during the last two seconds, Idiot Rachel and St. Gay Of Lima dashed back to the hallowed halls of dear old McKinley High and informed all of their compatriots of Sebastian's threat, even going so far as to show Frankenteen the Photoshopped eight-by-ten. Frankenteen of course flies into an incoherent rage and lumbers to his ungainly feet to issue garbled threats promising physical violence against The Predatory Homosexual until Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen wheels Artie to the middle of the floor so Artie might read the following passage from Page 72, Bylaw 15, Section 6, Article 44 of the Official Show Choir Rule Book: "Any real or perceived threat of violence, vandalism, or humiliation will be met with the swift and unquestioned disqualification of the threatening party's team with extreme prejudice." Which is why both New Directions and Vocal Adrenaline were thrown out of competition at the end of Season One. Except for the fact that neither New Directions nor Vocal Adrenaline were thrown out of competition at the end of Season One, despite the fact that both New Directions and Vocal Adrenaline blatantly deployed tactics of violence, vandalism, and humiliation against one another during this episode. I guess if they'd simply threatened one another without actually doing anything about it, things would have ended up differently. Good to know.

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