Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 5 USERS: A+
Life's Candy, and the Sun's a Ball of Buttah
tells him. "At 1 PM this afternoon, your little club will have had its shot at the big time, and they will have failed." "Glee Club will be cancelled," she continues, clearly reveling in this moment, "and all that money that Figgins has been funneling into your budget will finally and rightfully be restored to mine!" Will makes with the ineffectual threatening noises, vowing revenge or some such, which of course only serves to strengthen Sue's resolve. "Bring it on!" she snarls in response to his threats before giving him a withering once over and continuing, "I am reasonably confident you will be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at, right next to being married, running a high school glee club, and finding a hairstyle that doesn't make you look like a lesbian." HA! And to top it all off, the magnificent Sue Sylvester coos, "Love ya like a sistah!" before kissing her fingertips and pressing them against his lips. Hee. "Get your hands off me," a thoroughly humiliated Will growls, so Sue of course rises to his challenge and pointedly shoves him backwards. "You're not gonna push a woman, are ya?" she taunts, and when Will simply sighs in frustration, she smiles, "Didn't think so." And with that, Sue Sylvester fist-pumps her way on out of there. I think I'm in love. Again.

Locker Room. Mr. Schuester, having apparently taken a moment to calm himself after his late confrontation with the fabulous Sue Sylvester, ambles in to find Finn cleaning out his locker, as football season came and went while absolutely no one was paying attention to it. "Sounds like something that could've waited until Monday," Mr. Schue leads, blatantly twirling his car keys around between his fingers. Frankenteen looks guilty, then asks if Mr. Schue's heard anything. "Yeah," Mr. Schue nods, "and it's pretty bad." More teen angst bullshit entirely devoid of a body count ensues, so I'll cut to the chase: Mr. Schuester stresses that the Glee Club has found itself in a desperate situation, and reiterates his belief that New Directions cannot win without Finn, because Mr. Schuester has never, ever realized how much Frankenteen's singing sucks. And Jesus, don't even get me started on his so-called dancing. Ow. OW. ANY-way, the scene ends with Mr. Schuester asserting that Finn is "special" -- a fact with which I agree, although I am nearly 100% certain Will's got a different definition of that word in mind -- and when Finn wistfully wishes everything could go back to the way it was before the series premiere, Will slaps his keys down on one of the benches and meaningfully replies, "You can't always get what you want." Mr. Schue rises to exit, ambling out as casually as he'd ambled in, giving Frankenteen ample opportunity to lurch over to the bench Mr. Schue'd been occupying and call out, "You forgot your keys!" "No, I didn't," Mr. Schuester predictably replies without so much as a glance back, and with that, he strolls right into the next commercial break.

Buckeye Civic Auditorium. Half-Deaf Guy From Haverbrook whose actual character name I can't be bothered to look up because we're never going to see him again after tonight's presentation treats International Recording Artist Eve And Her Scraggedy-Ass Blonde Wig to a couple of celebratory giant pretzels at the concession stand because, as he puts it, "One of us is gonna win this thing," given the fact that they both apparently acquiesced to Sue Sylvester's nefarious plan. Barely have they torn into their celebratory giant pretzels, however, when Emma -- a bit haggard-looking since last we saw her, but defiantly unbowed -- appears to scold them for making use of the purloined McKinley set list. Half-Deaf Guy From Haverbrook and International Recording Artist Eve vehemently deny Emma's accusation, of course, but Emma won't let it go, and lectures them on what terrible life lessons these two supposed educators are offering to their already challenged charges and wah, and the only thing you really need to know about this scene is that International Recording Artist Eve And Her Scraggedy-Ass Blonde Wig seem to be regretting their decision to cheat. Next!

Emma rolls her eyes all the way into the back of her skull as the kids from Haverbrook tunelessly howl their way through "Don't Stop Believing," and oh, my God. We don't see the actual performance, given that they've chosen to treat us to a variety of delicious audience reaction shots instead, but the Haverbrook kids sound just as awful as you were expecting them to the moment we all learned a deaf choir was supposed to be McKinley's primary Sectionals competition back during the sixth episode. Don't lie. Mating walruses is what you expected to hear, and mating walruses is what you've finally received. I love this show. Of course, the teary-eyed gentleman sitting directly in front of an increasingly agitated Rachel finds this all terribly touching in the extreme, and as he dabs at his watery cheeks with a delicate handkerchief, Rachel finally explodes. "Meet me in the green room in five minutes!" she bellows at her fellow clubbers, just barely making herself heard over the deliriously wrong caterwauling pouring from the stage, and she flounces right into...

...said green room, five minutes later, where we find most of her thoroughly demoralized, disheartened, and depressed compatriots slumped over in chairs while Kurt angrily accuses Brittney and Santana Lopez of being "Sue Sylvester's little moles." Before either get a chance to deny it, Quinn confirms that Sue did, indeed, task them with spying on the Glee Club's activities, but Santana Lopez angrily insists that neither she nor Brittney gave Sue the set list. "Well, uh?" Brittney begins. "I did? But I didn't know what she was gonna do with it?" Oh, Brittney! Santana Lopez rolls her eyes and tells the others they can believe what they want, but the fact is no one's forcing her to participate in Sectionals. "And if you ever tell anyone this, I'll deny it," she adds, "but I like being in Glee Club -- it's the best part of my day, okay? -- and I wasn't gonna go mess it up." This shocking revelation stuns everyone present into silence, or something, until Rachel kindly allows that she, for one, believes everything Santana Lopez just said, but that's not going to help them win this thing. They need to strategize, and they need to strategize fast. First up: A new ballad. While Mercedes does have other appropriate songs in her repertoire, she admits none of them have the impact of "And I Am Telling You," and none of them therefore can match -- much less top -- whatever Rachel's got up her aggravatingly well rehearsed sleeve at the moment. "You're the best singer that we've got," Mercedes allows, disappointed at the way things have turned out, but with absolutely no animosity towards Rachel. Kurt, of course, has animosity to spare, but even he's forced to admit that Mercedes is right. "Rachel's our star," he sighs, having long ago slumped into a thoroughly demoralized, disheartened, and depressed chair of his own, "and if anyone's gonna go belt it on the fly, it should be her." Rachel, grateful, admits she does happen to have something she's been working on since she was four, and with the new ballad thus nailed down, everyone hastily agrees to close with a reprise of "Somebody to Love," but that still means they're one number short. Whatever shall they do?

Why, listen to Frankenteen, of course! For yes, gentle reader, Finn heeded the advice I'm sure Mr. Schuester gave him during that scene I pretty much ignored a few pages ago, found an appropriate song online, and defiantly Xeroxed the sheet music on the Cheerios machine back at McKinley before trashing the blameless photocopier, after which he sped to The Buckeye Civic Auditorium in Mr. Schue's borrowed car -- hopefully avoiding any errant mailmen who happened across his path -- in order to lead New Directions to victory. Just go with it.

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