It's Valentine's Day at McKinley High (which means the championship football game really was played in February), and there are so many different love connections floating around that it's nearly impossible to keep track of it all. To start with, Finn is longing for Quinn after last week's kiss, but she's decided to be faithful to Sam and won't kiss Finn again. So Finn decides to open a kissing booth so that peer pressure will force Quinn to kiss him. Although this sounds like a moronic plan, it actually works, as Quinn feels compelled to kiss Finn in order to demonstrate to Sam that she's really over him. (What? If you were a hormone-filled adolescent, I'm sure that would all make sense.) And this is all going on at the same time that Rachel is still pining after Finn. Meanwhile, Puck is nursing a serious crush on Lauren Tuna, and he chases after her hard. She's pretty resistant at first, but finally agrees to have a pre-Valentine's dinner with him at Breadstix. And just in case you were doubting whether Lauren deserved Puck's attentions, she is the one person to finally call Santana out on being a total bitch. Finally, Blaine tells Kurt that there's this guy he really likes and wants to pursue for Valentine's Day. Kurt has a lovely few minutes of thinking that he's that lucky guy before being told that Blaine's love interest is really some assistant manager at the Gap.
So, what happens with all these love machinations? Finn and Quinn's kiss sets off metaphorical fireworks, and they make a plan to see each other for some secret macking. But Santana gets wise to their plan and concocts a devilish plan to infect Finn with mono so that Quinn will also get it if they make out. They both get sick at the same time, and Quinn takes her illness as a sign that she needs to cool it with Finn before she knows what she wants to do with Sam. Rachel (aided by some sage advice from Mercedes) decides that it's better for her to be alone for the time being, so she stops pursuing Finn. The guy Blaine wants turns out to be a total loser who rejects Blaine's dramatic romantic gesture. So Kurt confesses his feelings, and it looks like he and Blaine are now actually starting on some kind of long road to romance. And Lauren Tuna stands Puck up, and then tells him that if he really wants to be with her, he needs to go really slowly. So they decide to spend VD together as friends. But not before Lauren beats the crap out of Santana. In the end, all of the kids gather at Breadstix to attend Kurt's first annual lonely hearts dinner.
Featuring Katy Perry's "Firework," performed by Rachel; Michael Jackson's "P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)," performed by Artie; Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls," performed by Puck (as part of his efforts to woo Lauren Tuna); Paul McCartney's "Silly Love Songs," performed by Blaine and the Warblers; and Robin Thicke's "When I Get You Alone," performed by Blaine and the Warblers. Oh, and one disastrous performance of the Rodgers and Hart standard, "My Funny Valentine," sung by a clearly unbalanced Tina Cohen-Chang.
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First things first. I've been accused of calling our zaftig new Glee Club member "Lauren Tuna" as some kind of misogynistic slur, like I'm a '70s queen sitting around the bar calling women "fish." Puh-leeze, Mary! I'm a card-carrying feminist, and I'll choke a bitch who uses that kind of language. If you may recall, I graced Lauren with her current surname to connect her to her spiritual foremother, April Tuna, a character from Ryan Murphy's earlier show, Popular, portrayed by Adria Dawn. April Tuna started as an occasional background character and through sheer force of personality and acting talent transformed herself into a character so beloved an entire episode was devoted to her. I hope that Ashley Fink and the writers who created Lauren Zizes realize that the Tuna label is a sign of deep respect. If I were an actor, it would be my dream to one day be a Tuna.
We open with Puck, in a classroom, staring forlornly at Lauren Tuna. In voice-over, he tells us, "We all know I'm not the smartest guy in the world." While that's an undeniably true statement, I do hope that Puck realizes he's not the dumbest guy in the world. Or even the dumbest guy in the Glee Club. Anyway, Puck is telling us about his relative intelligence to make the point that even a dope like him knows that you can't choose love. As he stares, we see that Lauren is eating heart-shaped chocolates out of a heart-shaped box. The VO continues: "I mean, I could have any girl I wanted, but here I am, in the middle of geometry or English or something, and the only girl I've got my eye on is a whole lotta woman." Lauren turns to look at Puck, and he nervously pretends he wasn't staring at her. And we flash back to the episode in which Puck got locked in a port-a-potty and recruited Lauren to join the Glee Club. As you may remember, his enticement (in addition to candy) to get her to join was a promise of seven minutes in Heaven. We see Lauren pull Puck into a supply closet for said seven minutes, only to have her proclaim Puck a dud after just three minutes. Back in the geometry/English/whatever classroom, Puck is debating whether he's attracted to Lauren due to her curves or due to the fact that she insults him just like his mother does when the bell rings. As the students leave class, Lauren approaches Puck and tells him to stop staring at her (on penalty of nut breakage) and also informs him that the candy he gave her sucked. As she leaves, Puck mutters to himself, "I'm in love with Lauren Zizes." Join the club, Mohawk. Title card.
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