Great American Road Trip
Gateway to the West

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C- | Grade It Now!
Gateway to the Worst

I'd just like to thank NBC for making my Monday nights AWESOME by moving this show to Monday night, which is when the other show I weecap, Dance Your Ass Off is on. Now I get to weecap my ass off. And we begin where we left off last week, in St. Louis. Because it's an exciting city, we'll be leaving as soon as possible for somewhere really boring. We don't hear where it is, but Amie Pollard is thrilled to read that it'll have "tasty frozen custard." Well, that's more exciting than Lincoln's home. Also, Amie Pollard invited me to Alabama to go deer hunting with her, so she is officially good people. Unless you're a deer. Reno and his pick-up truck RV tells us that frozen custard is a Route 66 tradition. When I drove on Route 66, my tradition was Waffle House. I don't have to have frozen custard to tell you that Waffle House is better. Waffle House is better than anything.

Things quickly turn unfriendly in the Pollard RV, as Anslie has a hard time giving her dad directions and he has a hard time hearing them. Thus, they get lost. Everyone else makes it to Ted Drewes for the frozen custard. They all marvel at how it's so thick that you can turn the cup over and it doesn't fall out. That's not exactly appetizing or particularly impressive. Silvio agrees with me, which makes me feel dirty. Then one of the Montgomerys tries to impress us with the frozen custard upside-down trick, only for it to fall out and hit the camera. Ha.

Amie reads that "spelunking" is next, and has no idea what this means. In my second shout-out to Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego? in a row, I'll say that I learned what spelunking was because of that game. Amie obviously never played it. Also, I just took a ten-minute break to watch my roommate's cat hunt a beetle. My roommate and I both agreed that it was more entertaining than this show ("much more," says my roommate). Anyway, the families are headed to the Meramec Caverns. Over in the DiSalvatore RV, son Blake is sleeping, which other son Mason sees as a perfect opportunity to draw on his face while their mother watches and laughs. I see he's written "GA" on Blake's forehead, and for a second I was afraid that he had written "GAY," but it turns out it's GART, for Great American Road Trip. Mom Amy then takes a picture of Blake's face and that's what passes for entertainment on this show. Blake angrily gets up and hits a ball out of his brother's hands and his mother says "what are you doing?" like she doesn't know. She clearly loves Mason more than Blake. How sad. The families enter the Meramec caverns area, and Silvio reminds us for the eighteenth time this episode that he is from New York. I actually went to the Meramec caverns on my trip across the country, and they were cool. But they will be totally lame on this show.

A fake outlaw comes running up and shoots his gun, which scares the crap out of everyone. I guess this outlaw is supposed to be Jesse James, but this guy is old and not hot at all like Jesse James is in the movies, so I don't like it. Fake Jesse leads the families through the caverns, which were one of his hideouts back in the day. We finally hear from the Rico family, as Ricardo tells us he's a big history fan, so learning how these caverns were formed was a great experience for him. Funny -- I took a lot of history classes in college, and we never learned about rock history. Possibly because that's actually geology. Ashley Faverey says the cave smells like old people's houses, which more than makes up for her temper tantrum last week.

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Great American Road Trip




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