Truth and Consequences

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: A | 3 USERS: A-
Of Carrots and Sticks and Big Ol' Snakes
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Welcome back to Harlan County, where the pushers are prettier than the preachers, pastors welcome prostitutes, the church folk have no qualms about shaking down the dealers and the prostitutes clean up real nice for Wednesday night services. When last we saw Boyd and his posse, they were getting mighty hot under the collar about the word of God moving into their backyard and saving all the troubled souls of their Oxycontin-buying clientele. Boyd and his ruffians tried asking the preacher and his sharp-eyed sister to move on out of town, but the Lord moves in mysterious ways that are determined to make Boyd part with some of his hard-earned dirty money. So Boyd returns to the tents of the evangelists -- not to watch, in the words of the preacher himself, "the hillbilly with the snakes" -- but to bribe the smartypants sister with a duffle bag full of cold hard cash. While I, for one, would be extremely excited to have someone offer me a bag of money (take note, Santa Claus) with the only stipulation being that I move out of Harlan County, the eel-eyed sister is not nearly as craven as I am. (She also has better hair, and I'm almost convinced the too are connected.) She thinks her beloved brother Billy deserves a proper church in which to manhandle irate reptiles. Perhaps wall-to-wall carpeting and solid oak pews would help soothe their savage souls and make them less likely to get all nippy with or without the power of Christ keeping them calm. If Boyd wants them to move, he needs to build them a proper church. And church-building money wouldn't fit in a duffle bag. Well, not until President Obama decides whether or not to mint the trillion-dollar coin. A trillion-dollar coin would easily fit in a duffle bag. At any rate, Boyd isn't willing to pay for a brick-and-mortar operation when he has Plan B. And with Boyd, Plan B is always guns. Sometimes Plan A is guns, too.

Raylan Givens is a lot of things... and a sucker for a pretty lady is definitely one of them. So even when it turns out that his girlfriend du jour, Lindsey, is married to a man roughly the size of a Volkswagen Beetle, he's likely to believe almost any story she tells him, so long as they can make amends the old fashioned way. When Lindsey knocks on Raylan's door, her tail is tucked between her legs and her clothes are extra tight, so there's little doubt that Raylan will be paying extra close attention to whatever sob story she tells him. She starts by saying that despite the fact that Randall called her his wife, she divorced him last time he went to prison. (By prison I assume she means Grey's Anatomy, where Randall played Dr. Charles Percy until he was shot down during the Great Grey's Massacre of '10.) Then Lindsay confesses that she and Randall used to be not only husband and wife, but accomplices, too. She would get close to men, find out what they had that was worth stealing and then Randall would take it. It was all simple and brutally effective until Randall decided that he didn't like his woman rubbing up on strange men and beat some guy to the brink of death. He went to jail and Lindsey got divorced and hooked up with Raylan. She hoped by telling him this sad story, he would forgive her trespasses and let her trespass on him a bit more if you know what I mean... and I think you do, especially when she takes off her shirt mid-apology. Raylan is so eager to agree with her that he looks like a damn bobblehead.

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