Confidence Man

Episode Report Card
Dan Kawa: B- | Grade It Now!
Just Because My Words Were Lies (Doesn't Mean My Love Weren't True)
Previously on Lost: Sun speaks up to Michael, and someone sneaks up on Sayid.

Close-up on a long shot of Kate Beckinsale walking down the beach. She's wearing that cute green top with the open neck that is a vast improvement over the white tank. She's also carrying some nicely color-coordinated bananas. Accessories are important, ladies! She sees Sawyer's copy of Watership Down lying atop Sawyer's clothes and smokes. No doubt Kate is wondering why Sawyer hasn't finished that freaking book yet; what the hell else has he had to do the past few days? Pretty much his life on the beach is hoarding and reading, and most of the hoarding's done at this point. And it's not like he's reading Finnegan's fucking Wake here. It's a novel about bunnies.

Kate picks up the book, and let it be known right now, for future reference, the pages of that book are not puffy enough for it to have ever washed up on shore. "Hell of a book," Sawyer calls from the water, then comes walking in like Bo Derek in 10, only instead of cornrows Sawyer has a mullet, and instead of a light-orange swimsuit Sawyer's wearing nothing. Shamefully, Michael Giacchino failed here to give the soundtrack the hint of bolero it so desperately needed. Kate looks a little bit embarrassed, and a little bit amused, and a little bit interested. Actually, that's not true, but this is one scene where Evangeline Lilly's total lack of affect helps her, because I was able to read all those emotions into her totally blank face. Kate comments on how cold the water must be; Sawyer suggests she come warm him up. "You sure know how to make a girl feel special," she replies. Sawyer gives the Thousand-Yard Smirk of Impending Flashback.

"You're incredible, Sawyer," says some hot chick in a motel bed. She looks like Maria Bello, so that's what I'm gonna call her. "I love you," Sawyer says, rolling off of her; they exchange pillow talk a while longer, until Maria Bello notices the time. Sawyer has a meeting at 3:30, and it's already 3:28. Crisis! Sawyer positively leaps into action: pulling on his pants! pulling on his shirt! finding his shoes! I'm trying to make this sound exciting, because these flashbacks are getting a bit dull. Maria Bello says she'll hang out in the room and order room service. "Why don't you order a chocolate sundae," he says, "and when I get back, I'll use you as a dish." It's comforting to know that Sawyer's come-ons are no more appealing with women he's actually fucking. Sawyer pulls a briefcase off a shelf, only to have it fall open, spilling bundles of cash everywhere. "You weren't exactly supposed to see that," Sawyer says sheepishly.

The jungle. Sawyer, hiking back from his swim, hears a rustling in the underbrush. He rushes forward to find Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity digging in his buried suitcases. Wow, I was wrong. It turns out hoarding is a full-time job! "What are you doing in my stuff, son?" Sawyer asks.

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