Episode Report Card
Sobell: B | 1 USERS: A+
"Fancy thinking the Beast…"
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

As the first non-Dan recapper to ever tackle this show, I feel obligated to warn y'all up front: I have no attractive wife, lawyer or otherwise. I hope this won't be an impediment.

So the episode begins with a woman waking up a little boy, then telling him to hide under the bed. "He's here," she adds, just in case the screaming voice and the sounds of someone pounding on a door aren't cluing him in. She then drills the little boy on the importance of hiding under the bed and not coming out, no matter what he may hear. There's some tense back-and-forth on the subject, helped along by a bellowing. The woman tells the little boy she loves him, then runs out of the room, closing the door.

She heads out of the room, and we watch the boy huddle under the bed while we hear her yelling, "Stop it! Go away! What the hell is wrong with you? I'm calling the police!" Not to get all Wednesday-night quarterback here, but wouldn't have calling them before engaging an irate intruder have maybe been a good idea? In any event, the camera switches between the little boy and the closed door, and we hear her continue to scream questions right up until the moment she's shot.

And now the powers that be ratchet up the tension further by showing the kid silently crying in fear. The background pianist is leaning on the Key of Foreboding, and we hear heavy footsteps before the door opens. We see a pair of cowboy boots standing before the bed, and the kid scoots back even further. The pianist leans extra hard on the key just in case we're not already braced for something terrible to happen. Then the man sits down, we hear a gun cock...and the guy sitting on the bed shoots himself as the kid flinches underneath.

Cut to Sawyer waking up with a start, all sweaty and bare-chested. I imagine some of you may need a moment to compose yourselves. Take your time. He wakes up more fully, looking relieved yet weary, and then his expression changes as he registers that there's a giant boar disrupting the décor in his tent. Sawyer decides that the way to treat a giant pig is to lunge at it while hollering. Sawyer soon discovers that he's not going to be the Pig Whisperer any time soon: the boar runs out of the tent, taking the tarp with it. The half-clad Sawyer gives chase, bellowing like a banshee and waving around a metal rod like he's running the 4X400 relay in the Redneck Olympics.

He then pelts into the jungle. It's not like he's had any exposure to polar bears or Tom Cruise's wayward cousins, so there's nothing to be afraid of here, right? Or maybe there is. As Sawyer heads back, he happens to notice that there's a lot of voices whispering faintly, just on the edge of his hearing. And finally, someone whispers loudly, "It'll come back around."

Sure enough, the credits come back around. Those voices know things!

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