Pilot, Part II

Episode Report Card
Dan Kawa: A | Grade It Now!
The Second Time Is Always the Sweetest Time (For Rammin')
Jack, Charlie, and Kate Beckinsale walk back toward the beach after seeing about half of the pilot up in the trees. Jack fiddles with the transceiver, and Charlie pesters him, expositioning that no one is going to be able to find them unless they get it working. It's not working, Jack answers. Kate takes Charlie aside and asks him why he was hanging out in the first-class bathrooms. I would have liked it if Charlie replied, "Because I have a shy bladder and I can't pee in the jungle," but instead Charlie says he was horffing. "My one tangible contribution to the trek," he adds ruefully. When Kate tells him she's glad he came along, and tells him he's not a coward, he stares off into the middle distance in a soap operaesque, did-I-leave-the-gas-on manner.

Flashback to the plane. Great. This will end badly. An extremely nervous-looking Charlie is tapping his Second Tour of Finland ring against the metal armrest of his seat. His fingernails have these weird black half-moons in them. The same flight attendant we saw last week asks him if he's all right, and Charlie says he's fine. Twice. And then says, "Please?" in a way that definitely suggests Not Fine. The attendant goes away. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. If I were his seatmate, I would punch him in his little hobbit mouth. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. Maybe he's just tapping out the bass line to Driveshaft's #16 hit, "The Second Time Is Always the Sweetest Time (For Rammin')." A few nervous looks back down the aisle are enough to draw the attention of the staff, who start briskly walking toward him. To do what, I don't know. Maybe that same flight attendant who gave Jack his extra wodka also has extra dope in her apron pockets. ("Let me freshen that up for you, sir." "SNNNNRRRRRRT!") Charlie freaks and hauls ass up the aisle, brushing past Jack as he does. What's a big rock star doing sitting in coach? I thought bassists were allergic to coach. He tries a couple of bathroom doors, but they're locked; heading further up the plane, he cuts across a first-class row, earning a priceless bitchy "Excuse me!" from Toenails. A couple of attendants chase him but are interrupted by the first big spasm of turbulence; they stop worrying so much about Charlie and start seat-belt procedures.

Meanwhile, Charlie heads back into coach and finds an open bathroom. He pulls a baggie of heroin from his circa-1987 plaid Vans shoe, snorts a little, and -- upon hearing an attendant pound on the door -- tearfully drops the bag into the toilet. He's about to flush it away when he's flung up to the ceiling by the plane's big bang. Amid the screaming and howling, Charlie fights his way out of the bathroom, avoids a wildly rolling drinks cart, and fights his way into a seat. Then: Chaos (tm Wing Chun)!

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