Pilot, Part II

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Dan Kawa: A | Grade It Now!
The Second Time Is Always the Sweetest Time (For Rammin')
Instead, Shannon just whines about how she thinks she was mean to the gate agent who wouldn't let them into first class. You're no longer interesting to me, Shannon. Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity seems to agree, because he tells her she's being worthless: "What do you want me to say? You're sitting on your ass staring at bodies." Shannon reminds Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity that she's just been through a trauma here, okay? He replies that they've all been through a trauma, but he doesn't know that SHE WASN'T TALKING ABOUT THE PLANE CRASH!!! SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT THE HORRIFIC RAPE SHE ENDURED IN AUSTRALIA, AND THE ABORTION SHE WAS FORCED TO HAVE AS A RESULT, AND NOW SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS SAFE, FINALLY, HEADING HOME TO HER FAMILY, WHO WILL NEVER HAVE TO KNOW HER SHAME, BUT NOW SHE'S TRAPPED ON AN ISLAND IN ADDITION TO HAVING BEEN RAPED AND HAVING HAD HER RAPE BABY ABORTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Could be true! Who knows! She leaps to her feet and they start arguing; she claims that Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity has no idea what she's thinking. "Okay, Shannon, what are you thinking?" he asks, followed by a priceless shot of Shannon staring blankly back at him like a W in the headlights. You just know that somewhere in the Lost offices there's a gag reel consisting of that shot of Shannon overlaid with the sound of crickets.

Shannon announces that she's going with Kate Beckinsale and Sayid on the hike. Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity says there's no way she's going along. Sayid and Kate watch them fight; Shannon tells her brother to "stop trying to be charming," which is funny, because he doesn't seem charming at all. Sayid and Kate look as if they'd rather watch a John Paul Stevens stag film than hike up the mountain with either of these two bitching harpies. Kate says she doesn't think it's a good idea, to which Shannon replies, "What are you, like two years older than me? Please." Just when I think I'm out, Shannon pulls me back in! Charlie shows up just in time to pitch some woo Shannon's way; he says he's going if she does. With the diminutive, stoned, convict-shirt-wearing Charlie beaming up at her, Shannon appears to wish she wasn't quite so stubborn.

Sawyer sits on an extremely telegenic piece of wreckage, tearfully reading some kind of letter. I don't know what the letter says, but I do know it was written on torn-out spiral notebook paper. He sees the expedition tromping off into the jungle. "You decided to join us," Kate says as Sawyer appears behind them. "I'm a complex guy, sweetheart," Sawyer replies, the line punctuated by a quite inappropriate timpani shot on the soundtrack, as if he'd just taken a blowdart to the neck. Oh, but it turns out that the timpani shot is just the opening salvo in the onrushing Adventure Montage Theme, a full minute of easy-to-recap chugging cellos and wood-blocks. Here's what happens while the Adventure Montage Theme plays: they climb up the steepest, most difficult-to-climb part of the pali.

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