Raised By Another

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Dan Kawa: A | Grade It Now!
I Can See How Ugly She'll Be When She's Old (The Psychic's Lament)
Credits and commercials. Jack's bandaging up Claire's hands, and says she must've had quite a nightmare. "Who says it was a nightmare?" asks Claire. "When somebody makes fists so tight they dig their fingernails a quarter of an inch into their palms," Jack replies, "they probably weren't dreaming about riding ponies." Oh, Jack, have you ever really dreamt about riding a pony? I doubt it, Jack. Because if you had, you'd know that to ride a dream pony, you have to hold on to its flowing purple mane so tight, or else you'll slide off its marshmallow saddle and tumble right out of the sky! He asks Claire if she's ever sleepwalked before, and exposits re: his own sleep-talk-ing, the real point of which is to tell the overheated HoYay posters that he's straight. Jack asks a few questions about Claire's prenatal routine in Sydney, and she says that the ultrasounds revealed the baby to be very healthy, and that her OB-GYN said it was fine for her to fly in her third trimester. Jack asks how many weeks in she is, and Claire responds with the Thousand-Yard Stare of Impending Flashback. Seriously, with all the flashbacks going around on the island, do castaways ever get annoyed that normal conversations devolve into staring contests with the void? Or if the person you're talking to just drifts off and stares into space all of a sudden, is that your cue to take a little flashback time for yourself, and you can both pick up the conversation later? It's like the island is peppered with hypnogourds or something. Yes, thank you, I was a nerd in middle school.

Sydney, seven months ago. A frantic Claire bolts out of the bathroom holding a pregnancy test while her equally frantic baby daddy looks on. He suggests she might have done it wrong, and she snaps, "Thomas, I can pee on a stick." He looks at the test and declares that while there are two lines, they're obviously red, not pink. She takes a look and says, "Pink." Which is funny because the point of the test is not whether the lines are pink or not but whether there are two of them. When my attractive lawyer wife used a pregnancy test, though, we responded with similar disbelief (though not nearly as much panic, as we were happy about the pregnancy, rather than freaked out) -- my wife felt the second line was too pale to mean she was really pregnant, so she made me call the pregnancy test company's customer service hotline to ask them. The woman on the hotline told me it doesn't, of course, matter how pale the second line is; if there's a line there, the test thinks you're pregnant. What a job that must be, huh? Working on a pregnancy test product hotline? It seems like you would never, ever talk to a dispassionate customer -- anyone who calls is either gonna be really happy, really sad, or really desperate. My attractive lawyer wife, though, was not satisfied by this response, so she used the other home pregnancy test -- they are sold in two-packs -- which offered the same result. Then, irritated by the two-line pregnancy tests, which were obviously created for the sole purpose of making otherwise rational people think they are pregnant and then breaking their hearts later when they find out they are not, she went back to the drugstore and bought a two-pack of the more expensive home pregnancy test, the kind with the digital readout that just says PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT. That one said PREGNANT. In fact, both of them said PREGNANT. That made four positive pregnancy tests, soon to be five if you count the one her doctor did. After that she sort of finally believed that she wasn't being punk'd.

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