Episode Report Card
Cindy McLennan: A | 1 USERS: A+
Locke 3 Times on the Ceiling if You Want Me
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on Lost: Sobbing Sawyer tells Kate it's his fault Juliet died, because he didn't want to be alone. Also, Smokey takes out Bram and the Goonies and then Faux-Locke tells Ben he's sorry he had to see him "like that." Richard recognizes Faux-Locke's faux/foe nature, so Faux-Locke knocks out Richard and carries him off by the ever-ripening carcass of Dead Locke. But first, he wags his fingers at the Sun, Frank, Ilana and the rest of the Four-Toes Beach bums and scolds them like only a cranky old substitute teacher could. "I'm very disappointed in all of you." Meanwhile, over in the new reality, Live Locke lies to Boone about having been on a walkabout in Australia. The plane touches down. Locke is wheeled off by the crew.

L.A. Reality: Live Locke drives his van through a suburban neighborhood and pulls up to a home. The chair ramp in his van won't go all the way down, so he attempts a jump and lands flat on his face, like we knew he would. To let us know this is really Locke, the lawn sprinklers pick just that time to come on. Can the man have his dignity in any reality? Oh, wait I think he does. He's laughing at his situation! Could it be.. .does he have some perspective? Possibly -- and perspective may just have a name. HELEN! She comes out the front door, shuts off the sprinklers and gets Locke into a bath. Planning their October wedding has Helen on edge. She suggests getting her folks and LOCKE'S FATHER, and doing it "shotgun style" in Vegas. Locke wants her to have more than that. He offers his opinion on fabric colors and when he realizes he has chosen the wrong one, he immediately changes his mind to agree with his bride-to-be. That was almost a social skill. Helen then finds the card Jack gave Live Locke at LAX. Helen tries to talk Live Locke into scheduling consult -- even dangling the word destiny in front of him, but he doesn't seem as high on that word as original recipe Locke.

Island Reality: We're treated to a "Smokey Cam" view of the jungle as our favorite monster makes his way to Dharmaville. As it veers near the Loveless Shack -- its ticka ticka rattle clank quiets down enough so that we hear Iggy Pop and the Stooges' "Search and Destroy" blasting away, inside. I'm a runaway son of the nuclear A-bomb. Subtle, Sawyer. The Smokey Cam pauses outside for a moment, then rushes to the edge of the jungle and hovers over an abandoned knife. Faux-Locke appears, picks up the knife and cuts down a hanging canvas trap. It lands with a thud to reveal Richard Alpert. Faux-Locke tells him it's time to talk. I tell Faux-Locke it's time to shorten his name. I've seen Flocke, Smocke (which I think is Mo Ryan's and is seriously awesome, but I feel cheap nicking it), Lockeness Monster, Lockeless Monster, but I'm feeling it should be something a bit more unseemly, so for today, I'm gonna go with Faucke. You can vote this change up or down in the "Question of the Moment" poll in the righthand sidebar.

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