Tricia Tanaka Is Dead

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A cute little boy with a mop of curly locks makes his way down the stairs of awell-kept home in a neighborhood that has fallen on hard times but the inhabitants are hardworking, honest folk who try their best to give their kids a better life then the one they had. How do I know all of this? There is an ethnically-diverse group of kids playing basketball in the background. It's like code. Anyway, the little boy makes his way down the stairs with an oversized toolbox and starts laying out the tools to fix his car. Which is, of course, a Camaro. More precisely, a Bitchin' Camaro. Bitchin' Camaro. I ran over my neighbor. Now that song is going to be stuck in my head for, like, ever. Dammit. The kid pops the hood as his father comes out and holy frijoles, it is Cheech Marin. I think. Yeah. It's Cheech. He asks the kid if he's got the car working yet and the kid says no and Cheech tells the kid to get in the car and try it. The kid points out that it needs a carburetor. Cheech tells him that a little faith never hurt anyone. He then gives the kid the keys and tells him to start it up. Whoa, Cheech. Even after all the hooch you've smoked, your twelve remaining brain cells must simply be screaming that giving a nine-year-old the car keys is not the best idea ever. The kid closes his eyes and tries to start the car. It doesn't work, and the kid points out the lack of carburetor again. Cheech tells him that having hope is never stupid, believing in stuff is important, and in this world you have to create your own luck. And with that he's off to Vegas to apparently try his whole "making your own luck" theory in a real-world and slightly more profitable venue. The kid, who turns out to be Hurley, is disappointed, but Cheech hands him a candy bar (even though Hurley says no, I shouldn't!), and tells him to live a little, thus setting up a lifelong desire to fill the void of parental neglect with food. After one candy bar! God, my mother was right. I hate that.

Flash forward to Hurley looking all Hallmark and talking about his feelings in the group therapy session that is Craphole Island. He's explaining how The Others took Jack, Kate, and Sawyer and left him to tell the tale. He appears to be disappointed by this. Not only is he not cool enough to be kidnapped, he's scared. Everyone's scared. He's always been scared on the Island -- that is, except when he's with Libby. The camera pans out to reveal that he's talking to her grave. He misses Libby. Aw.

Ooh, Charlie's shaving. I wonder how long the shaving cream will last? Anyway, Charlie's going on about how Desmond said he was going to die. That's funny, your agent should have told you that at your last contract negotiation. Charlie says that Desmond keeps having flashes that all result in Charlie's demise. In a not very comforting manner, Hurley says that Desmond is probably right. Nice! Hurley thinks that it's probably his fault and that the curse he is under is probably the root cause of Charlie's imminent demise. Charlie stares at him the way anyone would stare at someone who has just stated that he is the cause of your looming doom. Hurley continues, oblivious to the stare, and says that death always finds him. Just then Vincent runs up with -- wait for it -- an arm! From a dead guy! Ba-dum-bum! Thank you, writers! This scene cemented my hatred of Labradors. Those dogs will put anything in their mouths. Fossilized arm? Sweet! Can we go to the dog park now? While my dog has some distinct personality defects, at least he doesn't go around thinking mummified arms are playthings. A finger, sure, but an arm, no. Definitely no. Vincent runs off into the woods and Hurley chases after him while Charlie says no, no, I don't want to chase after a nasty Labrador with a decayed arm in its mouth through the creepy woods, no thank you. And what is the purpose of Hurley chasing Vincent, exactly? Does Hurley want the arm back? Is he going to eat it? Vincent runs through the woods, turns to look at Hurley, drops the arm at his feet, and runs further into the woods. Hurley bends over the arm, picks it up, licks his lips, and wishes he had some of that Dharma Initiative ranch dressing. Okay, no, he doesn't. He pries a key chain out of the dead fingers, runs after Vincent, and stares in awe at the Volkswagen van that is turned on its side in the underbrush.

Flashback to Hurley after winning the lottery. He is being interviewed by a local news reporter about his newfound wealth and his decision to by the Mr. Cluck's where he used to work; Hurley says he bought it cause he likes chicken. 'Cause no matter how much you like chicken, it's every boy's dream to buy the crappy chicken shack that you walked out on in the middle of your shift. And he didn't even fire his boss! Personally, if I won the lottery and really liked the chicken business I would set up a chicken shop directly across from that crappy place and give the chicken away for free and drive them out of business. Yeah, that would teach 'em! The reporter asks Hurley about his lucky streak and he points out that he has had a lot of bad luck: his grandpa died, the first house he bought his mom burnt down, and his best friend ran off with his girl! The reporter yells cut and glares at Hurley. "It's a puff piece, Mr. Reyes, do you know what that is?" Hurley looks abashed and says, "Sorry, Tricia Tanaka." She asks to go inside and shoot some B roll. Hurley looks concerned, and his boss explains that Hurley is just superstitious because the ribbon hasn't been cut yet. I have never heard of this superstition, but I guess I don't hang around a lot of ribbon-cutting ceremonies. Anyway: cue the meteor! Yes, the second Tricia Tanaka walks inside Mr. Cluck's, a giant meteor (meteorite?) smashes the place to smithereens. Whoa, didn't see that one coming.

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