White Rabbit

Episode Report Card
Dan Kawa: C- | 1 USERS: C+
Drink Deep Of My Sparkling Stream
FlashJack! Jack's walking down a corridor with an Australian medical examiner, who's telling Jack his father drank himself to death. Or at least gave himself a myocardial infarction -- "a sizable and fatal heart attack," the examiner says. Isn't it a little weird that the ME is explaining an MI to an MD? He takes Jack to a walk-in fridge, not unlike the one I used to sneak into when I worked at Kopp's Frozen Custard in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, in order to sneak handfuls of pralines. Only this walk-in fridge has, instead of pralines, a dead person in it. Shot from underneath in cold light, with stubble and red eyes, Matthew Fox looks like Tom Cruise in Minority Report. The ME unzips the bag, whacking Jack's dad's nose in the process. A weeping Jack acknowledges that yes, that's his father.

Back at his late-night fire, Jack's crying again. Behind him, a branch snaps and we hear ice cubes rattling. Huh: obviously this isn't just a hallucination -- there's something corporeal out there. These scenes sure make me hope the writers are awfully creative to come up with an explanation for all this stuff that doesn't seem like grade-A baloney. Jack pulls a handy perfectly-formed and -fueled torch from the fire and takes it into the jungle with him. A search leads him to a nice-looking waterfall and pool. Don't drink the water, Jack! You'll get leptospirosis! A creepy white-faced doll sits at the bottom of the pool, staring up at him. He follows a path of similar dolls to a pile of wreckage, including what appears to be a chunk of a plane, sitting near the mouth of a cave. We get a number of extremely dark shots of wreckage, most of which I'm sure are meant to show some interesting set design detail but on my crappy TV come out as black blobs. I want to get HDTV, so I can see how bad local news anchors really look. Jack sees a coffin lying amid the wreckage, and it's time for another FlashJack!

A harried-looking Jack is begging Chrissy, an Oceanic Airlines ticket agent, to let him bring his father's body back to the United States. He shouts, which catches the attention of other passengers, including a skeptical-looking Jin. Jack launches into the kind of impassioned speech that ticket agents at real airlines are specially trained to ignore, telling Chrissy that he needs to get his father's body back to the United States, and straight to a cemetery, right away, because he needs it to be done. Seriously, that's what he says. "I need it to be done. I need it to be over." Well, lemme tell ya, buddy, these kinds of passionate pleas don't make the average ticket agent lift an eyebrow. And I say this as someone who went to the airport with his wife for their honeymoon only to find out that the first of their flights was canceled, the second was going to leave without them, and no, they would not be offered any kind of refund, thanks for asking. "I need to bury my father," FlashJack finishes, and now we're back in the jungle, where a bedraggled Jack cries over the casket at the melodramatic turn his life has taken. He pulls the casket out of the pile of wreckage, places his torch in a handy nearby torch-holder, and opens the coffin, .-- .... .. -.-. .... / .. ... / . -- .--. - -.--. In a fury, Jack begins hammering at the coffin with a metal pipe or a baseball bat or something that happened to be sitting nearby. Jack, what are you doing! That's the nicest bed on the island! ["So I'm not the only one who thought that. Phew." -- Sars]

"A sexy pajama party gets too hot to handle! Next, on The Bachelor!" Wow, nice segue to the commercials there, ABC.

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