Nashville Star

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Whine Colored Roses

It's love song night on Nashville Star! So grab your honey and be prepared to wonder why you ever thought romance was romantic in the first place. It's the soundtrack of our lives, if our lives were really off-pitch and boring.

Billy Ray Cyrus seems to have either a rasta headband or a scrunchie wrapped around his wrist. I suppose it's to his credit that I could make a legitimate case for it being either. It appears that he's maybe had an Ogilvie home perm (or perhaps body wave) since last week, which makes me lean toward the scrunchie theory.

The first contestant who is safe and called to perform is Ashlee Hewitt, and she'll be singing the Dixie Chicks classic, "Cowboy Take Me Away." I do love pretty much everything by the Dixie Chicks, so think it's a good choice. Ashlee says it's a good song for her because she's young and has never been in love. She thinks that there's someone who's -- wait for it -- meant for her. Who likes it when she brushes her teeth and puts the cap back on, and also turns out the light and saves a few cents on the electric bill. Every night she puts on her pj's, hops into bed, and dreams of this person, half alive but feeling mostly dead. Romance! I can't get enough. Ashlee thinks that her future cowboy might be watching tonight. She should put her profile on cowboyeeeharmony.com.

But oof -- let's hope that if said cowboy is watching this he's hard of hearing and enjoying the episode via captioning. Again, it's like Luanne from King of the Hill doing karaoke at the backyard barbeque. Is she kidding me with this? The judges give her their critique. As Ashlee is Jewel Junior, Jewel of course liked it. She praises Ashlee for using the crack in her voice, and John Rich pounces on this and asks if Jewel is saying that Ashlee's on crack. Show me the receipts, John Rich. Jeffrey Steele liked it too even though he acknowledges that she biffed some notes. John Rich says that she looked more comfortable this week, which shows him that she's growing. He says it was a great performance. No it wasn't! Argh. I mean, whatever, she's sweet and pretty but that sucked. Why won't the judges admit it? Ashlee tells Katie Cook, who is becoming more of a Mary Hart clone every week, that being in the bottom two last week made her step up her game. Suuuuure, I can really tell.

And then we're treated to the moment we've been waiting for -- the American Gladiators

Number One Splashdown. What the eff is even happening? Like a circle in a circle, like a wheel within a wheel. Basically what I'm saying is that I feel like maybe I accidentally ingested some acid. I kind of miss the point in time when the highlight of my Monday night was "accidentally" stumbling upon Wife Swap.

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Nashville Star

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