We Just Decided To

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C- | 47 USERS: C-
News Fight

The moderator presses harder, saying he won't let Will leave this auditorium without giving at least one real answer. Will looks back at the audience, but Emily Mortimer and her cue cards have turned back into the other woman so Will has to go with how awesome America was when it was first founded. The moderator does not appreciate the history lesson: "I want a human moment from you." "IT'S NOT," says Emily Mortimer, back in the audience. And then Will goes off on his speech about how America is not the greatest country in the world. He turns to Liberal Lady and says liberals are a bunch of losers and tells Fox News Guy that there are plenty of countries in the world with the same freedom he thinks America is so great for. The moderator tries to help Will shut up for his own sake, but that's not going to happen. Will turns to Jenny, calling her "Sorority Girl" and listing off a bunch of statistics that he thinks indicate that America is not the greatest country in the world that he happens to know off the top of his head. Meanwhile, audience members whip out their iPhones and start recording. Will says America leads the world in only three categories, none of which are "math" and "science," although I'm not sure how one determines which country is best at "science." America has the highest number of citizens in jail per capita, defense spending, and people who believe angels are real. I'm going to call bullshit on that last one. I personally don't believe in angels, but I have a feeling that a few of the people who founded this country who Will thinks are the greatest America has to offer did, and I'm not sure how spirituality goes hand in hand with stupidity. Will concludes that Jenny, or "20-year-old college student" is "part of the Worst. Generation. Ever." and he doesn't know "what the fuck [she's] talking about" when she says America is the greatest, unless she means our awesome national park system.

Not noticing that everyone in the audience seems kind of uncomfortable on his behalf, Will keeps going, saying America used to be the greatest, back when we "stood up for what was right" and "fought for moral reasons." Uh, yeah, like when the "Greatest Generation Ever" didn't enter WWII until it basically had to and then ended it with nuclear warfare that killed hundreds of thousands of innocent people, or when the Revolutionary War was fought because people didn't want to pay taxes. "We struck down laws for moral reasons," Will claims. Some of them, yes. Usually after several other countries had already done so (such as abolition of slavery and equal voting rights). "We waged wars on poverty, not on poor people," Will says. So you can tell where all this is going: once upon a time, in a land that exists in hindsight if not history books, everyone in America was good and self-sacrificing and humble and we had both the "world's greatest artists" (huh?) and "the world's greatest economy" (I will give him that). "We reached for the stars!" Will says. So did the USSR. In fact, the USSR got there first.

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